An example of good

I think we are all blessed to have good people in our lives, at least I hope we are.

My search has brought that knowledge full force.

While I may not yet have the answers that I seek, I do get surrounded by good.

During my trip I was also exposed to what felt like pure hate from someone who I thought would always be on my side. I wasn't able to allow it to bring me down though, because the hate was unable to break the barrier of those who are good.

And they don't "have" to be good.

They're not being decent people just because they think someone is watching or taking note.

No. They are good people just because they can be.

If you have not tried being just plain good, give it a shot. It is rather contagious and being good to others just feels, well, good!

I spent my day today on the computer for 5 plus hours so far. I'll take a break to talk about Shannon's day and then get back to it.

I was tracking a couple of people down, leads we hoped and found one of the two deceased.

I'm tired of finding dead people.

I sent emails to a ton of magazines. National publications as well as local in Ohio and Vegas.

Newspapers, news stations........the list goes on.

It was begining to feel like a good time fora  break when I checked my email one more time.

I got a notice that I had been tagged in a friends notes.

A friend.

He's a wonderful man with so much character. He was raised in Las Vegas and now works on Fremont.

He's one cool dude :0)

I have copied his poem below.

It's perfect, I love it, I am blessed to know John and honored to have his poem to share with you.

They get together.  She feels guilty.  No abortion.  Adoption.

Closed adoption.  "I’ve made a mistake."  Peace of mind.

Protection of child.  Live well.  Forget about me.

How could I forget about you?  

Is my hand not attached to my arm?

Is my foot not connected to my leg?

We are one, you and I.

I am NOT a mistake.

The waking from the dream of error.

Peace, indeed, is looking for you.

Are you ready to be found?

Daddy.  I know WHAT you are.

I’m just having a bit of trouble with the WHO.

Could you help me?

I can understand your fear.

I can nod my head at your forgetfulness.

I haven’t forgotten, though.

I am not afraid.

Share my faith, if yours is weak.

Receive my love if you feel lacking.

We are one.

Giving and receiving is the same.

~ John A. P.

Pick your team

Most who know me well enough know that I am a huge Cleveland Browns fan. No, I'm not an idiot, I know that a winning team is a lot of fun. There's just something about being raised in Cleveland that makes you see what being a sports fan is really all about. It's die hard, it's enjoying that you are surrounded by others who are rooting for the team, even when the can't find a way to win. The fact that you bark in the stands and they're known as the Dawgs sure does help!

Growing up we get to pick our team but I feel like in mine it was low scale. We are in the home that we are in and make the best of it no matter how good or how bad it might seem at the time. Truth is when it seems bad, you're a kid, so you're stuck anyway. So we might be forced to seek out a good team while in school or at camps. I usually, when picking my friends, sought out those who were quit or picked on, sometimes out casts. It felt good being with them and it felt good knowing that they enjoyed being with me.

As an adult we really get to pick a team. Out on our own learning life as we live it rather then by what others are telling us life is about. I made a few bad picks early on. However, those bad picks actually made me a better team member. I learned to not latch on so much and to carry the ball on my own from time to time.

Today I really get to pick my team, in a sense like an assistant coach. Players are put before me and I can pick to play them or play with them. I'm happy to say often I chose to play with them. Every now and then my mind allows me to imagine what it would be like, to feel like, to play them.

The Browns, they're under dogs but their fans continue to show up to tailgate and party, going home hoarse from yelling after each and every game. The rain, the lake effect snow, the wind chill does not keep these fans at bay. They simply layer up with more coats and continue to rally around what they believe in. A loser team that just might find a way to win and to pay back to their fans all of the years of dashed hope.

My team? My team does the same. When my pass gets  intercepted or I get knocked down to the ground because of a play that was not up to par, my team rallies around me.We work together to make the plays pan out as they should on paper. I do however have a few players within my team who needed to be benched. I can't kick them off of the team, that's not my job, that job belongs to the coach. If the coach decides to remove them then so be it. But for now he decided that they are still members of my team, and so they just sit on the bench.

I'm not asking for cheer leaders. Not yet anyway. Once we make the big play that no one saw coming, once we get that final TD that we've been dreaming about, once we say the team has played to the top and can't get any higher, then I'll ask for cheerleaders.

For now I'll just stick with my team, even the ones who would prefer to deter from the main goal, even the ones who have issues with their jock straps being too tight. I hope for them that they can learn to adjust to the plays that are being called, and rally on to help finish this game.

Got to love those who support what so often feels like a team who can get so close to making the playoffs, or even the super bowl, and they never throw in the towel or say a mean word. Those are the best players of all!

I don't have news coverage of my team in action, oh no wait, yes I do. Click the link below to see a little bit of how team work can lead to good things.

Small in numbers but big in heart!

Who did I meet????

Shall we list the people?

It actually began on the flight to Las Vegas!

We met a man named Kelly who is one of the owners of a local bar in town called Money Plays. I was eavesdropping as he told some ladies where to go, what to do as this was their first visit to Las Vegas.

When he was finished talking to them, I decided it was time to "work". I handed him one of my business cards and explained about one of my reasons for our trip to Las Vegas.

He took an interest and in return gave us a card to his bar with a free drink and meal on it. We did end up at his bar, twice. Though we didn't use the "free" pass. When people are good, you have to be good back. 

We went to Money Plays on Friday night. A friend of mine whom I had known online for several years drove down from Arizona to meet! We went to the bar and had a great time laughing and chatting on the corner bar stools. While we chucked it up my husband Shannon spoke to several other patrons. 

Kelly walked in and he looked so surprised to see us. As it turns out the real surprise was that he walked in. Usually he come a couple of weekday mornings. Shannon and I smiled and said this is how it works with us. The galaxy seems to change, to place people in our path without warning to those people.

We met a few other people that night as well. One was a man named Joe. Joe is a Sin City Kid. He was born and raised in Las Vegas and said "I know you've heard the phrase but it is different for us. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you're from Vegas then everyone knows!" We're going with that Joe! I so hope that everyone knows and we can find my answers soon! Who knows, we may be related!

I met a man who used to set up lights for Waylon Jennings. He told us about a few of the shows and I laughed and told him of Dottye's relations with Waylon.

Again, I never seem to be too surprised at how small the world can get from time to time!

As we were leaving we also met a man named Tyge. He took an interest in why we were there and was as kind as can be. I later read on his blog how he had been in a car accident just a short time before we met, and he was still kind enough to chat with strangers. Check out his site. He calls it a blog but to my eyes it's really more of a magazine full of information and his writing is so clean. Want to know about local Las Vegas AND the going ons? Click here! He took the time today to email me and let me know that he included a bit on why I was there in his blogging. If you want to read that scroll down at the following link. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page for his blog on my visit.

So that is how our visit began, with the meeting of a local named Kelly who decided to chat rather then nap on the plane! Kelly told us he is going to take a photo of our business card and scan it in to their juke box. I left cards in the bathroom on our second night out and received and email from another of the patrons. We had the chance to meet up with our friends while we were there and took them to Money Talks on our last night. The bar was having a customer appreciation night with live music and food. It was a great send off!

This was not our whole trip of coarse, but I had to touch on it for one main reason. My search has taught me to have a more open heart. I'm no longer afraid of telling my story to strangers. Cat's out of the bag sort of thing really. It's out, let it play, let it amuse others. I think we get used to people being rude or harsh, rash and irritable. Our visit to Las Vegas reminded both Shannon and myself that when people go back to their true nature they are giving, kind and at times so very funny! We have to allow ourselves to go back to that soft spot inside our hearts in order to help others to unleash their kindness. Let them see that it's worth it by being kind right back. And if someone isn't kind, well give them a smile and move on. There's no reason to be rude, just smile and walk away from the negativity until gravity pulls you towards another happy soul.

Ok. Many of you know that one of my challenges was to get on the local news. And yes, it was a challenge. I had a few stations interested in meeting and by the time we got there it seemed that we lost all interest. It seemed anyway. After a couple of rounds of phone tag and lack of a crew to come meet with us, I finally got the hit. The Fox 5 Vegas crew came out to speak to me on the morning of Friday the 24th. I had hoped that my sister Karen would do the interview with me as I had presented the trip as two woman searching for answers, but she had just arrived at the strip which is about 20 minutes away from Fremont and might not have made it back in time. She declined to come for the interview and so I threw on my Remember Dottye shirt and headed down to the street to wait for the crew with Shannon. I was excited and nervous, as was Shannon. He knew it would go fine but he also knew this was it. This was my number one goal for my search during this trip and it was actually panning out. We had both begun to think that this task would not be accomplished, and so our adrenaline was on overload as we waited for our moment.

The reporter told me to keep my answers as short as possible since they would have to edit the footage to about a minute long. She asked her questions and I answered. I tried not to notice the HUGE camera in my face! Tried! The reporter learned quickly that my brain and my mouth work at one time with out a delay and that many of my thoughts do not have a filter. At one point Mary asked me if I knew anything about the relationship between Dottye and my birth father. I did actually sit a moment and think before blurting out "Well I know that they *explicit* , that's all I really know for sure though!" The look on her face was priceless as I apologized and looked down at my feet. I also forgot at one point that I had had microphone hooked up to my shirt. As we walked out of the Golden Gate I saw the camera man giggle. I looked down at my shirt and let out an aw crap and smiled back. Why? I had just announced to Shannon that I really needed to let out a belch. Note to self, do not down a Dr Pepper right before going on air!

That was Friday morning, the interview. It was that evening that we were hooking up with Tonja and it was just an exciting day full of hope and eagerness. I was sorry that my sister couldn't make the interview but only for a moment. There was not any time to dwell in any sort of negativity. I was so happy to be surrounded by light hearted people for most of my visit.

After our evening out with Tonja she rushed us back to the Golden Nugget. It had not occurred to any of us that my story would air at the beginning of the news! We got to our room at 10:04 and it had already aired! Ack say it ain't so!! The good news? It aired several times that night. Not only was that good in that I got to watch it before heading out to play some more, but it would be seen by more people. Some people like to watch news at different times, my hits should be good. The other good news was the length of the piece. It ran over 2 minutes rather then the one minute we had been waiting for. 

I had over 2 minutes of fame. I reached a new goal. I hope that goal reaches people who knew Dottye or my birth father.

Want to know more? My fingers are tired .....I'll be back!

Missed me on the news? Click here to see the news footage!

The Beatles

Sat out on the freemont strip as they did the sky show and the Beatles came on.
"what's your name.......who's your daddy?"
Really?
I wanted to yell "ya bitch what's my name? Who was my "daddy?""
did you even have a name tucked away deep in your heart for me? Did you ever play the pretend game that I have played my whole life?
If I could keep her I would name her...........
Ya well on a night like tonight I allow my mind to go back and dig into my gut with the feeling that no, you never had a name for me. I was the rotten dinner you ate while away and were more then happy to dispose of Dow the drain after you purged to feel better.
You needed to see me in order to be sure that I was ok or you as well as your husband were afraid that you would slip back into a mental state.
Never mind needing to see me to make sure that I was ok because you knew full well that your were doing horrible things to your body while you were pregnant with me.
I'm tired of you tonight.
I'm tired of trying to see your signs, of trying to figure out if you are sending them at all or if I am just reading the signs of a pigeon who farted in the wind.
And ps, I'm tired of finding out info and signs to pass along to your kept daughter.
You kept her, you figure out a way to tell her!!!
I forgive you for having an affair and for despising of me to save your own mental health. I can't help but to wonder if you ever had a moment to think of the mental heatlh of me.
And then I have to feel guilty knowing the life that you lived and that it was taken away without any warning at such young age.
Why should I feel guilty for I had nothing to do with your tragedy.
Oh ya, but I did. I was.
Please Dot, Dottye, mom, lady luck or what ever it is you want me to call you, please help me to find out the truth so I can find my own life!!

The Golden Nugget

As the pieces of my search seemed to come together in some ways about a year and a half ago Shannon and I out that maybe we knew the reason why we named our dachshund Nugget.
This was when we thought that Waylon was going to end up being my birth father. It made sense since we know he played here often.
I do know that Dottye did see him here, though we have no way to know how many times. One of the things tha Allison told me was tha Dottye enjoyed dancing, she enjoyed having a good time and loved being noticed. She knew that when she walked into a room that heads turned to look at her. She loved o dance and as I sit in my room I can imagine the music and the fun that she had. I know her fun often came crashing around her. I wonder if she thought that it was worth it though.
Can you see me Dottye?
Did you walk the same casino floors?
Did you sit at the same bar stool?
I know that you wanted to keep so much of your life private.
I know that you kept silent about so much of your pain.
Wouldn't it be worth it in some way ro let me let those secrets out?
Can you see that I need to be heard?
Do you understand why it is that I feel the need for people to remember you or at the very least acknowledge that you were once a woman who was full of life?
That you were taken too soon, even if once you were gone you were not sorry that your time had come?
You have three daughters and a son.
You have two daughters tha have connected on what is sometimes a scary level.
You have two daughters tha understand you in a way tha who knows, maybe we couldn't have understood you on this same level had you not teft us so soon.
You were only 24 and maybe tha is what part of the pain continues to be about.
I can't help but to think of you, even will all of the things that were secrets, tha others might look down on, I can't help but to still think that there is so much more to you.
Where are you tonight?

I made a request for people to look up Fox 5 news in Las Vegas. If you ever wanted to help, now would be a great time.
How do I go to sleep without looking back at the past 6 yeRs since finding my sister, without look back at my entire search?
How do I go to sleep when my thoughts won't slow down?
How will I ever know if I have done all that I can to make you somehow see that I will never hang my head in shame over anything that you did?
Ugh. What a day.

Back in Las Vegas

Please excuse my typos as I am typing on an iPad.
We are in Las Vegas. fox 5 had said to call them as soon as I landed which I did. The response was "well we won't be able to meet with you tonight, how long are you here for?" I told here we are here until Sunday morning to which she replied with a lack of enthusiasm " well hopefully we can organize a time to meet with you while you are here."
Hopefully? I even told her that I did not need to attend the show we have tickets for, that meeting with Fox 5 took precedence.
I'll call each day and continue to hope.
On the flight here I over heard a man saying he owned a bar that locals go to. I asked him if he got many old timers and he said one day a week they did. I gave him my cards and told him a bit of my story, his wife is also adopted.
His wife's parents are int their 80's and worked in casinos back when Dottye was here to they are going to call them as well as some other old timers that they know.
finally, he has a juke box which he can load a photo into. He is taking the card and loading the modeling photo of Dottye into the juke box.
Amazing to me still how some strangers continue to show kindness just because they stll have the goodness in them to do so.
For tonight I am off to try and have a good time, and to hopefully see some signs that don't say hey lady, give up.
If any of you want to help please feel free to do a google search for Las Vegas Fox 5 news. Look for the contact and call them or send an email telling them how important you think that this trip is for me.
Please???

New book = new hope and revisited hopes!

I got a new book in the mail yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed and read it. It is Allison Dubois latest and I already love it.

So far it is different from her others in that she had people whom she "read" for write in and share their feelings on the reading.

It upset me a tad when people were so offended by her on a housewives show last year. I've met her a few times, spoken to her a few times, and each time I really felt like she was pretty cool. You know, we all like or don't like some people and I guess I just see her as a person I'd want on my team. She stands by her friends and sticks to what she believes in.

Anyway, about the book. It made mention that just because we didn't grow up with a person per say, that doesn't mean that they don't want to be a part of our lives once they are gone. We could use Dottye as an example but I am going to use someone else, my grandma Rose. She was my dad's mom and passed away when I was 11 years old. I had never felt close to her. We lived about 5 hours away and only saw her a couple of times a year. It was cool to read though that there is a possibility that she would still want to hang out with me, even from the other side.

And then yes, there is Dottye. I know the signs that I have seen and sometimes get upset when I don't see more. Fact is, I didn't know her. So some of the signs that she might try to send, I might not notice. I'm getting ok with that most days, knowing that she has done a lot to send me signs that I do understand are from her.

We all have a right to our own beliefs, and I for one have the right to believe that even during struggles, I have people who passed before me who want to see me happy and who enjoy watching me learning to be happy.

Alison made mention of an app for your phone or ipad. It was only 99 cents so I went ahead and purchased it. She doesn't say that it works or doesn't work, just that her husband Joe was enjoying it. She did say that it had only mentioned a name in it's words once. The app by the way is called Ghost Radar. The name mentioned was her cousin Mark who happens to be her assistant during her seminars. He had lost his father who was raised in Texas. They were in Texas when Joe shared with them, after her seminar, the words that had come through on the app. One of those words was Mark. 

As I went to bed last night I plugged in my Ipad and started the app.  I knew it was a good night to run it as the storms were strong so we had a good electrical field. I know, some of this is blah blah blah to some of you, that's ok. As I went to bed I said out loud "I hope that I have spirits with me. I hope that you can send me some words, I hope that I will understand them."

Now I can read into the words all that I want to work for what makes me feel good. I'm aware of that. What I am also aware of is that I speak to Shannons gammy Rose often (yes both of our dad's had a mother named Rose) because she was really nice to me. Last night I had a ton of words. Some of them made me laugh, which is always good, others made me think. The two words that made me think were names.

Henry. We don't know a Henry.

Lee. Lee is Shannon's dad's name.

So two night before my trip to Vegas I am playing with a ghost app and having fun. Reading a book by a woman who helped to bring me hope and also helped me to be in a better place when it came to finding Dottye at a grave. It' all much better then the stress and the pain, we're here to love and be happy after all right?

I hope to be able to blog while I am in Vegas. Actually, I hope to be so busy that I don't have time to blog!

Wish me luck, give your loved ones a hug, and take some time to be happy :0)

Want to know more, the facts and see photos. Click here to see my web site!

Give up, Let go, Move on

There's more then one reason why my now 21 years legal search continues.

Anger.

The activity of searching, of doing, of looking keeps that anger suppressed.

If I find my birth father, I honestly believe I can say it is what it is.

If I instead decide to throw in the towel, to let it go, to give up on my search, the anger will surface and there will be fingers pointed, words said, and anger to be dealt with. Anger that is about what could have been not with my upbringing but rather with the last 21 years of my adult life.

Anger about the lies and the lack of consideration.

I'm not ready to deal with that anger.

I would prefer to find my birth father, call it finished and move on.

I'm finding the search part to be more and more difficult even when my days are active.

I know though, that the anger would be intense as it has been shoved down so many times, I have seen a glimpse of it and don't want to face it.

The anger, which of coarse is an easy way to deal with the hurt.

It's been a suck ass ride this week.

I'm ready to finish this out please.

Stop and smell the roses

I had been told by Allison Dubois that one of the signs from Dottye to me would be the scent of  a rose.

Now this doesn't mean so much that if I walk past a rose bush, or an air freshener that is rose scent that it came from Dottye, no it means something even more amazing.

Last year I was invited by my niece, my sisters daughter, to come out for her graduation party. First, it was amazing to my heart that it was my niece who wanted me to be there. It was going to be a great way for me to hang on the side lines and see her in her own element, to get to know her better. I've been proud of her and my other nieces since I had met them almost 7 years ago, but this would be a chance to see her with her friends and family and I looked forward to the trip.

I enjoyed myself, I felt at home. 

About those roses.

My sister and I decided to walk her dogs in the church field that is behind her house after the graduation party which was held at their house. My sister ran ahead of me with her beagle on leash so that he could sniff and feel like a little hunter.

I walked behind her, not worried about trying to keep up as I knew full well they would head back my way. 

The scent nearly overwhelmed me. Roses. I stopped in my tracks and scanned the field. I knew that the scent was roses, but surely there was some obvious reason for my smelling them.

There wasn't a single flower in eye shot. I bent over and tore some grass from the ground and brought it to my nose as I dragged in a large sniff. The grass was not the source.

I went to a nearby pine like tree and pulled some needles off of a branch and again sniffed with all my might, trying to find the source.

Nope, that too was not the source.

My heart beat a little faster, I sighed and said I know. I know you're here. I can feel you, and right now I can smell you.

I watched as Karen headed back my way and the scent vanished. No, not vanish really. It was simply gone as fast as it had come.

I grinned to myself knowing that this was one of my few private moments with Dottye. 

I glowed knowing that she was there and took the extra effort to make sure that I knew it.

It's been a year since I smelled her roses. She has indeed sent me other signs. I am sure she sends them and I miss them.

The scent of roses that day, there was no missing or denying it.

Karen never smelled them. I didn't tell her about it until after I was home from my trip visiting her. I felt selfish for not telling her at first, but I don't anymore.

I needed that moment to be mine, just for a little while.

No regrets?

How does one live life with no regrets if you have no idea what you might regret later in life?

I can look back and see things that might have been nice, or better had I known to change them.

I can wish for things to have been different in one way or another either by my actions of the actions of another.

Do I regret things from my past that I think I might take to my death bed and have to beg for understanding?

No, not yet.

I can look back at the years as well though and wonder what might have been had I put myself in a better position.

What if I had followed through on the hopes of being a social worker specializing in teens issues?

Was there any chance that if I had applied myself to different interests that I might have been a success at something?

Have my years been wasted trying to track down people who are dead or don't want contact?

Will I regret the time I have spent on my search, the years spent?

What have I gained out of it all?

What might I have become had I not spent my time fighting what so often feels like a losing battle?

I can't say for sure because I'm not yet feeling like I can throw that towel in.

At this moment, it feels like it could be soon, and then I wonder.

If I throw in the towel and somehow get my answers when I feel like I have given up, what might I regret?

I can only give one answer.

I would regret finding out that I was close to finding my birth father, gave up, and then found him at the grave just like Dottye.

There is I know another thing I may very well regret. 

That is continuing my search and finding him dead even soon.

What will I regret when my time is over?

How do I find a way to live without regrets?

Does he know????

I get asked that question a lot of times.

It doesn't bother me as much as the other one:

Did she know him?

Bother probably isn't a good word either, actually it really pisses me off when people ask that.

Yes, she knew him.

Can I verify that by asking her?

No, she's dead. She's been dead since I was 13 months old, or did I already tell you that?

Why do I think she knew him, how can I be sure?

I can't be sure with facts, I can however be sure with my gut.

She said where he was born, she stated his age as well as heritage, she knew he had been divorced, or he claimed to have been. His height, weight, coloring. Those can all come with a no name fling. The other stuff, not so much.

Lets face it, asking me if she even knew his name is the same as calling her a whore, and that doesn't fly so well with me.

I think people ask because they don't understand why I don't have his name or why I have not found him. Shouldn't he be looking for me?

I don't have his name because I am not granted the rights to his name. The courts claim to be protecting my birth parents. From what? Evil me?

He may or may not have known she was pregnant when she left. I have to guess that he knew at some point since I have not been able to find a legal notice revoking his rights as a birth parent. To me that would mean that either the laws were not followed, or he was told directly by mail and signed away his rights. 

Hope to find out the answer to that when I find him.

Is he alive?

Is he well adjusted or living on the street?

What state, what city does he live in now?

I have no idea.

Tell me to step down from my search, please go ahead!

How much longer will I search?

Great question.

Answer?

Until I find him.

My birth father was an Italian American who was born in Boston around 1942 give or take a few years. 

He worked as a Keno Writer in Las Vegas at the very least in the fall of 1971.

He stood around 6 foot 2 and was around 190 pounds.

Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin.

He said he had been divorced and was Catholic.

These are the things that Dottye thought she knew.

I hope to find out if they were all true.

See photos of Dottye as well as a tribute video by clicking here

Looooooooong hair

You know growing up I always wanted to try a hair cut that didn't have bangs. My mom would never let me saying that my face was way too long to go without bangs.

I think she was right.

There's a story many of my friends know, but I'll go ahead and repeat it here.

I had a little friend named Lisa. When we hung out, we usually got into trouble. We were grammar school age. 

My mom took us to the indoor tennis courts with her one afternoon. We sat at the table and ate the free cookies, for a little while.

Soon we ended up in the locker room, then into a bathroom stall. What could be more fun then playing with Barbi in the toilet?? Yes, we were very goofy girls.

As we were playing in the stall I told Lisa "Barbi was made after my birth mom". Maybe I said real mom, I'm not sure. I stopped using "real" mom pretty soon after I saw the look on my mothers face, so I am not sure if this was before that look, or after.

This Barbi was like any other Barbi. Blond and thin, her hair went down past her butt. When I told Lisa this story, I do recall that I believed it to be true. I had imagined, at least when I was a child, that my first mother was as pretty as a Barbi, with long flowing hair that she could do up in so many ways.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth my mother called me out of the stall. We opened the stall door and there she stood, my mom.

She told me that I couldn't tell such stories, that it wasn't true.

I don't recall feeling like the story I had told had been a lie. I really believed it.

What I do recall is wondering, how did she know it wasn't true?

Below is one of my favorite photos of Dottye. We don't have a lot of photos. You know back then was the time of film so I am sure they didn't take as many as we snap today. And she died when she was 24 years old, a short life with far too few photos left behind.

I was sitting at my desk thinking of my upcoming trip to Las Vegas and I wondered what she looked like for the short period that she lived there. Was she happy when she got there? Did she gussy herself up or go casual? I imagine she gussied herself up, she liked to be noticed after all.

This photo is back in Ohio, not long before she died. It shows a side of her that many of the other photos don't show, it's one of the few where I think I can actually see a moment of true happiness, of just being silly.

At the mental ward .................

Karen has many memories of Dottye as well as the stories from her Aunt Ruby. I can't recall if I heard the story as well......it's in my memory as if it were told to me by Ruby.

Ruby and Dottye were teens. As Ruby would tell it, Dottye was the one who snuck out and caused so much trouble, but it was Ruby who always got into trouble even though she was as good as gold.

Dottye wouldn't get up for school, or was it church. They were teens living at home. Ruby figured out that Dottye had taken a bottle of pills in an attempt to end her life. Ruby made her get up, they walked around the room for hours until the pills finally wore off. Dottye refused to be with anyone except for Ruby, or so the story goes.

I can't help but to wonder, was this before or after she lost two children to adoption. Was it in between the two? 

Karen can remember waking one night to find Dottye slumped out of her chair down stairs. There were pills all over the place on the floor and Karen screamed and ran to the neighbors. Dottye was taken from home and treated. What was she treated for? How did they treat her? How long was she gone, that time?

Ruby told us "Dottye called me from Las Vegas crying hysterically with a gun in her mouth. She wanted to kill herself. I talked her out of it and then she came to stay with me." Yes, that was the time in Vegas where she got pregnant with me. Was the gun in her mouth before or after she got pregnant. It would seem that it was after.

I look at her photos and there are only a couple where I can see happiness. The others, there is something in her eyes. I hate to say it as I see it but to me it looks like a sadness as close to death as you can get while still being alive.

Where did this sadness start? Was she born with it? Was it given to her by genes or did it begin when she left her first home for the orphanage? What happened to send her to the orphanage? Why couldn't she find peace?

My video says she died as she was finally finding happiness. I don't actually believe that, it just seemed like a good way to end the video. I actually think, or my gut says she was as unhappy as ever. Not more, not less, just the same stagnant way of living. Trying to find something to fix her pain while avoiding where the pain came from.

I know where my pain comes from and I swear I am doing my best to fix it. The barriers I run into are maybe a part of my own stubbornness and strong will. I can't see moving on past the pain until I complete my search. I don't know how to move past needing the answers of where I came from.

There are days where I can relate to her without even knowing the answers. There are days where I carry her pain though I know she never asked me to. 

There are so many days where I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs, but I've done it before and it didn't help much.

You would think that with all of the road blocks I have had to move over 21 years I might throw in the towel. The truth is, I can't. I've lived more years searching then not, and I just don't know how to "let it go." Fact is, I really don't even know how to take a break for more then a day or so.

There's something or someone out there, I just have to figure out the way to get to them. I know I have a lot of tools I just am having a hard time figuring out which one to use.

It's not a great moment right now. 

I wonder, did her mood change as often, as fast, and without warning like mine does?

Nah, I don't need to wonder, I'm sure it did.

Slow day's

I think part of the reason why a search is compared to a roller coaster ride is because there are so many ups and downs, and in many cases like my own, a lot of twists.

It's been a slow day or two and I find that my brain has a hard time with that. It's when I am busy with several different things going on that I seem to feel the most active.

When I don't have this resource to check or that person to write, I end up in a brain fart funk where I can't seem to think of a thing to do and I feel the minutes ticking by.

It also gives me the time to allow the feelings to surface and I don't tend to do well with that at all.

Tomorrow is my mothers birthday. I sent her a little gift, something I think she can use. I will cal with my usual greeting and hope that the conversation sticks to news, weather and sports. No feelings usually ends well.

I'm finding that I am having a difficult time with those who don't seem to understand, or those who don't care to try to understand, the importance of my search.

How can you look at all that I have done, the time and money spent, and not understand that this is more then a want, it is a need.

I have those who I feel like should understand it more so then others. One of those people I am beginning to feel myself draw back from for they have shown a lack of commitment when saying they will do certain tasks. I can't be overly open about it here, and that just plain sucks. I had opened this blog in hopes of truly being able to vent at any given time. Maybe I should have kept it private, maybe those words that I am holding in will come out at some point.

So, in order to feel active I am going to do my best to  list what I have done thus far, in hopes of finding my truth.I hope that I can remember everything, and I hope that maybe a few of you who may be searching, not just in adoption, might be able to pull something from my list that will help!Please keep in mind that my search began before the home computer (gasp!) and that many of the things I have listed, I have done multiple times.

While under the age of 18:

Sneak through my parents filing cabinet, desk and anyplace I had access, looking for documents.

Ask questions, in my case usually in a subtle way, take notes.

18:

Went to the Probate Court house.

Petitioned the court for my file.

Wrote Dear Abby

Letters to the editor in local papers.

Wrote talk shows including: Oprah, Maury, Montell, Sally.

20's through today:

Continued to write talk shows: Oprah, Dr. Phil , Dr. Oz, The View...........

Write TV : Unsolved Mysteries, Find My Family, The Locator, Dateline, Regis, Who Do You Think You Are, Search, Good Morning America, The Today show.

Wrote the governor of Ohio.

Paid and petitioned the court for my non id.

Wrote Ohio Vital Stats.

Internet search and forums as well as registries.

Researched with search books and memoirs.

Placed items for sale on Ebay and included in the description about my adoption search.

Once I found Dottye at a grave:

Asked for all info from the funeral home

Spoke to the police department about the accident report, no longer have it.

Joined Yahoo state specific search groups.

Hired a CI in Arizona.

Joined classmates for the years Dottye should have been in school.

Placed an in memory ad with photo in Ohio and Las Vegas paper

Took a dna test with a possible brother via birth father (was not a match)

Continued to ask questions to my parents

Asked the court again for more info with Dottye's death certificate

Continued to write talk shows and TV shows

Wrote letters to people who signed Dottye's funeral book.

Hired a no find no fee searcher who did not stand by her contract and never searched.

Spoke to Allison Dubois twice

Spoke to the man who took Dottye's funeral photos.

Spoke to Floyd Sneed of Three Dog Night

Started a web site on my search

Posted on Craigslist in Vegas, Columbus and Boston about my search.

Contacted any form of media

Spoke to the widow of Dottye's widow.

Spoke to people at a family reunion

Took a DNA test with Bo Jennings (not a match for myself and Waylon)

Took a DNA test with my sister (we are indeed only half sisters)

Trip to Vegas:

Went to the University and copied the 1970 City directory

Went to the library and scanned on micro film for my "Legal notice"

Went to all casino's that still exist from 1971 and spoke to dealers, pit bosses as well as front desk staff. Handed out cards to my site.

Went to the Italian American club and spoke to the manager and bar tender about my search.

 Since being home from Vegas:

Wrote to every person I could find who worked in Keno in the 1970 City Directory (over 200 letters)

Wrote to talk shows and media.

Tried to hire another no find no fee searcher, they wouldn't take my case

Tried to get my agency name from the courts, still waiting on that.

Emailed every senator and legislator in Ohio

Made a youtube video about my search

Did basic DNA on two sites: familytreedna and 23andme   Have many 4th and 5th cousin matches but unable to make the connection.

This is what I have so far. Of coarse I also wrote my book and it sits collecting dust while I wait for the final chapter as well as for my sister to edit it. Once I get my final chapter (finding my birth father) I will hire an editor and get it published. Should piss a few people off, but hopefully help a few others.

That's all I can think of for now.......................

Here's a photo from this past birthday, 39 years old, 21 years of "legal" searching. Still hopeful. I'm sure you can guess my wish.

~When the phone rings~

It's my 6th birthday since knowing that my first mother, my birth mother, my natural mother........Dottye is dead.

Can I call it funny that when the phone rings on this day my heart still skips a beat as I go to see who it is calling?

No, it's not really funny because the pain that is there when I know it's not her is still as strong as ever.

Each call, there were not many thank goodness, I have Shannon look to see if it is an out of town number.

You know, in case "he" calls.

In case someone who knew him, maybe he's dead, but maybe someone will call to tell me who he was.

It didn't happen.

The waiting for that call moves into a lot of years now.

Someday it might happen.

I can't help but to feel sadness that today wasn't that day.

I am glad Shannon took the day off today. It was the best gift for sure.

He asked me several times how I was doing.

I know he caught me in thought many times. He didn't ask me what I was thinking, just put his hand on my knee or around my waist. Sometimes it's just good to feel him there, without having to try and give words to my thoughts. Without having to justify my mood.

We went to the casino today. It was just the right thing to do you know, being conceived in Vegas and all.

We walked to the far end , exercise is important :0), and sat down at our favorite machines.

He was a few isles over when the song started to play.

I ended my gambling early in order to go to him and make sure he heard the song.

Joy to the World by Three Dog Night.

Yes, Dottye, I hear you.

I miss you,I love you, and every now and then I hear you.

Joy to the World  <- click there to hear the song!

It wasn't just me....................

When I type it usually just flies out.

I don't read what I type in blog like places.

I do know the feelings that I have before, and then after I get the words out.

Some days I feel guilt as I let it come out.

Guilt?

I felt today would be a good day to flip the coin.

I wasn't the only one who got hurt.

I wasn't the one who got screwed.

I can blame my parents, or be upset with them, for their lack of understanding or willingness to be open as we are now all adults.

I can not however blame them for how they responded to bringing me home.

I'm not sure what is told to adoptive parents now. I know they have to take some classes, but honestly there are a few books that I have read that I don't believe are in those classes. I can hope that there has been change, I am doubtful though.

My parents were told to bring me home and treat me as their own. I was even going to look like them after all. 

Being taken away from the womb and placed into my new home would not cause any harm.

After all, I would be so much better off.

Truth is, I can look back and see how it would have been believed that I was better off. In so many ways I am sure that I was. Imagine: Dottye died when I was just 13 months old. How would her widow, or the rest of her family have felt about raising a child that she had during a mental collapse as well as an affair? Would I feel stares? Would anger be pushed towards me. Would I be blamed for her untimely death?

My parents were told to raise me as their own, and by doing so I would be.

There were a few problems with that. I wasn't theirs, not by blood, genes or heritage.

I looked enough alike them to avoid the stares of strangers.

My personality would never match up.

There were too many things in my personality that ran through my blood from Dottye as well as I'm sure my birth father, and while my parents wanted me to be like them, or more like my brothers, there was just never really a chance.

They were set up as well.

Set up to believe a fairy tale the system told.

I can't blame them for believing what they were told.

So, had to put that out there. I know my parents did the best that they could with the tools that they had.

My only wish is that they could continue to grow, to allow change, and to someday at least try to understand my needs.

Celebrate my Birthday with me by sharing my link below? 

Sometimes you just need to hear the words

You should be grateful.

I was sitting here thinking that no one actually said it to me. Maybe some friends as we were children who didn't know better said it. Not anyone who was important though.

It was always felt by myself though, that I needed to be grateful for the family I had.

I was special, picked, chosen.

Maybe if I wasn't grateful enough I would no longer be their picked child, and returned.

As I sat and thought I remembered.

It was my oldest brothers engagement party.

My parents had the party at their house. 

There were so many people there I just have no idea the actual number.

There was one lady there who we called an Aunt. She wasn't, she was just a very close friend of my fathers. When we would go to visit my dad's family in Ohio we would go visit her family as if they were truly family as well. 

Aunt "E" said she needed to talk to me. We headed upstairs to my parents room where it was quiet and dark.

We stood at the foot of my parents bed in front of the large windows the overlooked the front of our house. We lived high up on a hill, everyone knew our house it seemed.

"Oh, you live on the hill" people would say.

She got right to the point and she waved her finger in my face.

"You should be grateful for all your parents have done for you. You've put them through so much, you should be grateful!" she used some other words to sting. I stood there just watching her finger as she spoke in such a nasty tone to me.

I was shocked. I had been "sober" and playing the good girl for them. I was almost 18 and so close to getting out of there. It stung but I couldn't help but to wonder why she was so angry with me. Maybe she had something going on with her own family and felt comfortable taking it out on me?

And grateful?

For what?

It never ceases to amaze me when people chose a side without knowing both of the sides.

I know I usually do my best to see both sides.

Lord I have the bills from shrinks to back up the fact that I honestly have tried to see both sides.

There's a point, and I feel like I'm rather close to it, where it is time to chose my side.

It's hard, cutting those cords even when they are not healthy.

Someone once said to me "What do you hope to get from this relationship?"

It's a great question really.

What do I want, what do I hope to give in return, and how much damage to my own being should I sacrifice in order to please?

In high school and even once I got out on my own I used to cut myself, and hit myself.

The cuts and bruises felt so good. It was a release for the pain that I felt inside. It was almost like venting because I had no idea what the pain was about, where it came from or what to do with it.

The often hidden bruise or cut was my release. I could feel it, see it, and knew full well where it came from.

The pain inside, I had no idea where it came from, and even as an adult it was very confusing.

I saw that "Aunt" a few years ago at a wedding. She could see that I was cold and draped her shawl over my shoulders. I honestly nearly crapped my pants as she put her arm around me to try and warm me up. All I could think, and tell my husband later was "Why was that bitch pretending to like me?"

I can't say for sure. 

Maybe she thought I had shown that I was grateful?

I have had a lot of experiences in my life, and some day I'll post them or get that book out there. I do believe that each experience was started by the one prior. And if we're going to get into it, it did all start with my birth.

I may never be grateful enough. Part of that is my own problem with my super sonic memory. I retain things that hurt me, I do my best to let them go but when I get hurt again, they fly back into memory.

I've spent my life trying to figure out who to survive it, how to feel comfortable in it. I've had to change the way that I see some things in order to feel like a better person. Not better then someone else, just a better me. 

Can I be grateful?

You betcha'!!

I'm grateful for the love that I feel from some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the health that I have. I'm grateful for so many things, even the things that make me sad or angry. 

I will not however "show I'm grateful" just to make someone else feel more comfortable.

Grateful.

I'll be 39 years old tomorrow. I'm grateful that my mother was wrong, and I've mad it way past 18 :0)