It wasn't just me....................

When I type it usually just flies out.

I don't read what I type in blog like places.

I do know the feelings that I have before, and then after I get the words out.

Some days I feel guilt as I let it come out.

Guilt?

I felt today would be a good day to flip the coin.

I wasn't the only one who got hurt.

I wasn't the one who got screwed.

I can blame my parents, or be upset with them, for their lack of understanding or willingness to be open as we are now all adults.

I can not however blame them for how they responded to bringing me home.

I'm not sure what is told to adoptive parents now. I know they have to take some classes, but honestly there are a few books that I have read that I don't believe are in those classes. I can hope that there has been change, I am doubtful though.

My parents were told to bring me home and treat me as their own. I was even going to look like them after all. 

Being taken away from the womb and placed into my new home would not cause any harm.

After all, I would be so much better off.

Truth is, I can look back and see how it would have been believed that I was better off. In so many ways I am sure that I was. Imagine: Dottye died when I was just 13 months old. How would her widow, or the rest of her family have felt about raising a child that she had during a mental collapse as well as an affair? Would I feel stares? Would anger be pushed towards me. Would I be blamed for her untimely death?

My parents were told to raise me as their own, and by doing so I would be.

There were a few problems with that. I wasn't theirs, not by blood, genes or heritage.

I looked enough alike them to avoid the stares of strangers.

My personality would never match up.

There were too many things in my personality that ran through my blood from Dottye as well as I'm sure my birth father, and while my parents wanted me to be like them, or more like my brothers, there was just never really a chance.

They were set up as well.

Set up to believe a fairy tale the system told.

I can't blame them for believing what they were told.

So, had to put that out there. I know my parents did the best that they could with the tools that they had.

My only wish is that they could continue to grow, to allow change, and to someday at least try to understand my needs.

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