Sometimes you just need to hear the words

You should be grateful.

I was sitting here thinking that no one actually said it to me. Maybe some friends as we were children who didn't know better said it. Not anyone who was important though.

It was always felt by myself though, that I needed to be grateful for the family I had.

I was special, picked, chosen.

Maybe if I wasn't grateful enough I would no longer be their picked child, and returned.

As I sat and thought I remembered.

It was my oldest brothers engagement party.

My parents had the party at their house. 

There were so many people there I just have no idea the actual number.

There was one lady there who we called an Aunt. She wasn't, she was just a very close friend of my fathers. When we would go to visit my dad's family in Ohio we would go visit her family as if they were truly family as well. 

Aunt "E" said she needed to talk to me. We headed upstairs to my parents room where it was quiet and dark.

We stood at the foot of my parents bed in front of the large windows the overlooked the front of our house. We lived high up on a hill, everyone knew our house it seemed.

"Oh, you live on the hill" people would say.

She got right to the point and she waved her finger in my face.

"You should be grateful for all your parents have done for you. You've put them through so much, you should be grateful!" she used some other words to sting. I stood there just watching her finger as she spoke in such a nasty tone to me.

I was shocked. I had been "sober" and playing the good girl for them. I was almost 18 and so close to getting out of there. It stung but I couldn't help but to wonder why she was so angry with me. Maybe she had something going on with her own family and felt comfortable taking it out on me?

And grateful?

For what?

It never ceases to amaze me when people chose a side without knowing both of the sides.

I know I usually do my best to see both sides.

Lord I have the bills from shrinks to back up the fact that I honestly have tried to see both sides.

There's a point, and I feel like I'm rather close to it, where it is time to chose my side.

It's hard, cutting those cords even when they are not healthy.

Someone once said to me "What do you hope to get from this relationship?"

It's a great question really.

What do I want, what do I hope to give in return, and how much damage to my own being should I sacrifice in order to please?

In high school and even once I got out on my own I used to cut myself, and hit myself.

The cuts and bruises felt so good. It was a release for the pain that I felt inside. It was almost like venting because I had no idea what the pain was about, where it came from or what to do with it.

The often hidden bruise or cut was my release. I could feel it, see it, and knew full well where it came from.

The pain inside, I had no idea where it came from, and even as an adult it was very confusing.

I saw that "Aunt" a few years ago at a wedding. She could see that I was cold and draped her shawl over my shoulders. I honestly nearly crapped my pants as she put her arm around me to try and warm me up. All I could think, and tell my husband later was "Why was that bitch pretending to like me?"

I can't say for sure. 

Maybe she thought I had shown that I was grateful?

I have had a lot of experiences in my life, and some day I'll post them or get that book out there. I do believe that each experience was started by the one prior. And if we're going to get into it, it did all start with my birth.

I may never be grateful enough. Part of that is my own problem with my super sonic memory. I retain things that hurt me, I do my best to let them go but when I get hurt again, they fly back into memory.

I've spent my life trying to figure out who to survive it, how to feel comfortable in it. I've had to change the way that I see some things in order to feel like a better person. Not better then someone else, just a better me. 

Can I be grateful?

You betcha'!!

I'm grateful for the love that I feel from some of the people in my life. I'm grateful for the health that I have. I'm grateful for so many things, even the things that make me sad or angry. 

I will not however "show I'm grateful" just to make someone else feel more comfortable.

Grateful.

I'll be 39 years old tomorrow. I'm grateful that my mother was wrong, and I've mad it way past 18 :0)