A few people that I know have received my book of poetry. One person I have know pretty much my entire life but we've become very close over the past 15 plus years.
She called and left a message on my machine.
She was very impressed, I believe she said among other things, blown away.
Her words were kind, I felt my face turn red as I listened to the message.
I called her back and reminded her that we had a kindness rule in this house. You must only be kind in small doses, keeps us all grounded. It's part joke, part truth, part my way of keeping that hard exterior.
She was only able to read a few poems at a time, I'm not totally sure why. Maybe part of it has to do with knowing my story so well? She did say that she picked a few to read and found herself reading them more then once. Then she had to stop herself.
The feedback so far has been interesting. I know that my personality would not be one that you might normally think these words and thoughts would come from. Then at the same time I think maybe it is.
While I share my information like a very open book, I do tend to back away from the emotional part of my own story. My hard exterior makes it easier to keep most people at arms length away, which is my often failed attempt at keeping them from my heart, keeping people from hurting me.
That being said there are a few who have found their way in, some sooner then others, and some lost their privileges at my heart. Hurt it a few times and I may smile, but I won't ever let you back in, though I may smile and lie so not to hurt your feelings.
I digress. I usually do.
My point is that this has been a rather interesting life so far. A person like myself, closed emotionally to so many, made the choice to have my deepest feelings published. It may be as close as I will ever get to having a child. The pain, the joy, the fears and the hopes. They are not for the flesh of a child, but rather for the book I produced and hope will in some way, touch people that I may never have the honor of meeting.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Poems
As many of you who are close friends or on my Facebook know, I had a book of poetry published.
The title is Shadows of a Dark-Alley Adoptee
I was asked today what the title meant.
A friend named JoAnne actually came up with the title. As soon as she suggested it I knew it was perfect.
Shadows : so often I feel like I am only a showdown of myself, a shadow of who people think I am, a shadow of who I wish to be.
Dark-Alley : to me, a dark alley is the same as that part of myself that I keep hidden. It's the secrets, the pains, the parts I try to stay away from. Walking down a dark alley is scary, sometimes dangerous, and this is the same way that I feel about part of my soul.
Adoptee : I do hope there is no explanation needed for that word.
When I told my husband " I'm going to try and publish a book of poems" he looked rather confused. It was then that I shared with him a few of my writings. I had never told anyone about my poems, though I had posted a few online.
I never thought of them as poems, but rather as thoughts that sometimes happen to have a rhythm of sorts.
Also, I do not recall what I wrote, which is often the case when speaking or writing from the soul. I had an editor so for myself, I only had to change what I was told was wrong spelling or grammar, and then re type them. This did not require me to read or absorb them.
Last night I decided that I should probably go ahead and read what I had written. I chose to read five poems that I had already share with other people.
My feelings were a bit mixed.
So rather then go with feelings, which I tend to not deal with very well, I thought about them in a more analytical way.
While my poems are based on being adopted, because in fact that is what my life is based on, the poems that I read we're dealing with pain and loss. A loneliness that comes with grief, a desire to be understood in a world wrapped with feelings that can make a person feel so alone.
My hope? Well this book of poems is actually about hope for others. I find it is often easier to hope for good for others, as I tend to judge others far less then I judge myself. That being said, my number one hope with this book is that I can touch people in a deeper way then my own personal story. That I might shed some light on a person who is dealing with the sadness of another. Or that the person reading my poems might share this horrible sadness, and feel a little less alone.
The chances of this book leading to anyone who knew Dottye or my birth father is so slim, I am aware of that. There is a tinge of hope for that as well though.
Lastly, wouldn't it be nice to be remembered for setting a goal and reaching it? That goal, not finding my birth family, not being a poet or author, actually that goal is to be a better person then some thought I could be. To be the caring person that we all have in us to be, to help just one person to know that while they might have a dark side, that does not mean that they are damaged. Nope, it just means that they see things in a different way.
Shadows of a Dark-Alley Adoptee
Yup, that's me.
The title is Shadows of a Dark-Alley Adoptee
I was asked today what the title meant.
A friend named JoAnne actually came up with the title. As soon as she suggested it I knew it was perfect.
Shadows : so often I feel like I am only a showdown of myself, a shadow of who people think I am, a shadow of who I wish to be.
Dark-Alley : to me, a dark alley is the same as that part of myself that I keep hidden. It's the secrets, the pains, the parts I try to stay away from. Walking down a dark alley is scary, sometimes dangerous, and this is the same way that I feel about part of my soul.
Adoptee : I do hope there is no explanation needed for that word.
When I told my husband " I'm going to try and publish a book of poems" he looked rather confused. It was then that I shared with him a few of my writings. I had never told anyone about my poems, though I had posted a few online.
I never thought of them as poems, but rather as thoughts that sometimes happen to have a rhythm of sorts.
Also, I do not recall what I wrote, which is often the case when speaking or writing from the soul. I had an editor so for myself, I only had to change what I was told was wrong spelling or grammar, and then re type them. This did not require me to read or absorb them.
Last night I decided that I should probably go ahead and read what I had written. I chose to read five poems that I had already share with other people.
My feelings were a bit mixed.
So rather then go with feelings, which I tend to not deal with very well, I thought about them in a more analytical way.
While my poems are based on being adopted, because in fact that is what my life is based on, the poems that I read we're dealing with pain and loss. A loneliness that comes with grief, a desire to be understood in a world wrapped with feelings that can make a person feel so alone.
My hope? Well this book of poems is actually about hope for others. I find it is often easier to hope for good for others, as I tend to judge others far less then I judge myself. That being said, my number one hope with this book is that I can touch people in a deeper way then my own personal story. That I might shed some light on a person who is dealing with the sadness of another. Or that the person reading my poems might share this horrible sadness, and feel a little less alone.
The chances of this book leading to anyone who knew Dottye or my birth father is so slim, I am aware of that. There is a tinge of hope for that as well though.
Lastly, wouldn't it be nice to be remembered for setting a goal and reaching it? That goal, not finding my birth family, not being a poet or author, actually that goal is to be a better person then some thought I could be. To be the caring person that we all have in us to be, to help just one person to know that while they might have a dark side, that does not mean that they are damaged. Nope, it just means that they see things in a different way.
Shadows of a Dark-Alley Adoptee
Yup, that's me.
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