I know where I stand on the three. I don't think that sex or effing has anything to do with love, though I think you should love the person that you do it with.
When I spoke to Allison Dubois the first time, we spoke for the most part about Dottye. I don't have my notes here in bed but I do recall something along the lines of Dottye looking for love, believing each man that to,d her "I love you".
There are days when I think I must be so much like her,or at least that I used to be so much like her. Lately I wonder though if maybe I am actually completely opposite from her.
Either way I don't think there is a thing that I could find out about her that would make me turn my back on her or speak unkindly of her. She struggled , that's a definite given. I believe we had a lot of the same sort of things happen in our lives. While she was looking for love, I was just looking to be rescued.
Love and rescue.
They kind of are the same really.
I will always keep my heart open for her. She is a part of my soul, and I will always feel the need to defend her. I think maybe because it feels like no one defended her enough while she was here.
My book sits in a box, I've yet to read it. I still feel like its not time. However, it does feel like it might be close to the time to write her story, as I see it.
I think it's time to make sure that people will Remember Dottye.
Don't you?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
To have and to hold
Im one of the people who over the years have played the head game " If you could only grab a few things from your home, what would you grab?"
Growing up there were two stuffed animals. I would wish that I could take them all.....but two for sure. It would be those two stuffed animals and my baby blanket. I would even practice grabbing them in case of a fire. Currently, those two stuffed animals are together with my blanket, in my bedroom. I left them home that I grew up with, and they came with me.
As an adult I've played this game as well. Now I am speaking of material items, pretending that the humans and pets are outside waiting for me. What would I grab if I only had minutes?
I would cry, I would leave those stuffed puppies behind and blanket, in order to be able to grab my adoption files. There are several.
Before find
After find
Arizona
Birth father
Vegas
Mentions in other books
As well as my search scrap book.
My jewelry would be nice as well, maybe I'll think about wearing all of the sentimental items all of the time so I never have to worry about grabbing them.
Or maybe I just won't orry about it at all.
As I sat outside tonight looking at the stars and watching two planes fly over I had a wish that I imagine will not come true.
It's a comforting thought and a sad one all at the same time.
I wish I could find that hidden treasure chest.
You know the one right?
It's the one that holds the letter, the journal, the single item of jewelry even if it's costume, and an article of clothing. All in a treasure chest, or safety deposit box that is suddenly found.
The note says it is for me:
For my last born daughter, the daughter I never held but loved so much.
Xoxoxox your mom Dottye
That would have been so cool.
Growing up there were two stuffed animals. I would wish that I could take them all.....but two for sure. It would be those two stuffed animals and my baby blanket. I would even practice grabbing them in case of a fire. Currently, those two stuffed animals are together with my blanket, in my bedroom. I left them home that I grew up with, and they came with me.
As an adult I've played this game as well. Now I am speaking of material items, pretending that the humans and pets are outside waiting for me. What would I grab if I only had minutes?
I would cry, I would leave those stuffed puppies behind and blanket, in order to be able to grab my adoption files. There are several.
Before find
After find
Arizona
Birth father
Vegas
Mentions in other books
As well as my search scrap book.
My jewelry would be nice as well, maybe I'll think about wearing all of the sentimental items all of the time so I never have to worry about grabbing them.
Or maybe I just won't orry about it at all.
As I sat outside tonight looking at the stars and watching two planes fly over I had a wish that I imagine will not come true.
It's a comforting thought and a sad one all at the same time.
I wish I could find that hidden treasure chest.
You know the one right?
It's the one that holds the letter, the journal, the single item of jewelry even if it's costume, and an article of clothing. All in a treasure chest, or safety deposit box that is suddenly found.
The note says it is for me:
For my last born daughter, the daughter I never held but loved so much.
Xoxoxox your mom Dottye
That would have been so cool.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The gruesome facts
I find that often I feel the need for all of the facts. I'm just that way in life.
Tell me that you stepped in dog shit and I want to know where, what type of surface, how big, how solid and what shoes were you wearing if any at all.
Growing up when asking questions pertaining to my adoption I learned to work around the looks. My parents didn't look like they liked all of the questions. I learned to ask few questions but ask them at the right times in the right way.
Today I was focusing in part on researching my DNA matches. When you find fourth cousins it is a pretty big task to figure out how you relate when you yourself do not have any surnames to reference. I had an idea that didn't pan out too well however I will try a new idea in that area tomorrow or the next.
When doing "research" every now and then I feel the need to get into the reasons for my search.
I usually only need one item to bring me that answer, and it is my adoption scrapbook. I do not have each and every piece of paper work in that book, but the ones that cause the most emotion, pre Dottye.
My first designed page includes a photo of myself on the phone, for the first time with my sister Karen. It was July in Texas, hot, and I was out back so I could smoke while we talked. With those photos is the Columbus dispatch news article on Dottye's crash and death.
To look at that page is to see the pure happiness and the deepest of despair all at the same time.
As a side not I am typing this on my iPad with my ear buds in. I turned the music on shuffle. What song just came on for the first full song? Simple Minds Don't You (forget about me.) I shit you not I had no idea that I even had this song.
Anyway as I was saying.
I read the article once again. Then, I went to Facebook.
When Dottye died she had first hit two other cars. One was with a teen and his teen sister. I know the young man had critical injuries but someone later told me that he did survive, but lost an ear. His sister had cuts and bruises.
There was another teen who she hit and he didn't have any injures.
I do believe I found him on Facebook and did send him a message. I have no idea if he will reply and if he does I have no idea what I will say.
The other person that I believe I found was the accident investigator. Again, I have no idea if he will reply or recall the incident.
My desire to reach her, to know her, all the details both good and bad have taken me to some odd and also fun places.
Looking back at my search since finding her there has not been a thing mentioned to me that I have regretted hearing.
I understand that some do not need or want to know details and I am cool with that. We all take things in different ways and for some it is better to just know the main points. I however need to know them all.
As I turn my ear buds off to hear my husband snooping, I know that there are no answers that can take me down. I'm too strong to be broken by anyone but myself. The answers that may come to me this year I am unsure of what they will be.
I have no doubt though that there is a list of us ready to hear them, and should I need to fall for just a moment, I know there will be lots of people to hold me up.
Tell me that you stepped in dog shit and I want to know where, what type of surface, how big, how solid and what shoes were you wearing if any at all.
Growing up when asking questions pertaining to my adoption I learned to work around the looks. My parents didn't look like they liked all of the questions. I learned to ask few questions but ask them at the right times in the right way.
Today I was focusing in part on researching my DNA matches. When you find fourth cousins it is a pretty big task to figure out how you relate when you yourself do not have any surnames to reference. I had an idea that didn't pan out too well however I will try a new idea in that area tomorrow or the next.
When doing "research" every now and then I feel the need to get into the reasons for my search.
I usually only need one item to bring me that answer, and it is my adoption scrapbook. I do not have each and every piece of paper work in that book, but the ones that cause the most emotion, pre Dottye.
My first designed page includes a photo of myself on the phone, for the first time with my sister Karen. It was July in Texas, hot, and I was out back so I could smoke while we talked. With those photos is the Columbus dispatch news article on Dottye's crash and death.
To look at that page is to see the pure happiness and the deepest of despair all at the same time.
As a side not I am typing this on my iPad with my ear buds in. I turned the music on shuffle. What song just came on for the first full song? Simple Minds Don't You (forget about me.) I shit you not I had no idea that I even had this song.
Anyway as I was saying.
I read the article once again. Then, I went to Facebook.
When Dottye died she had first hit two other cars. One was with a teen and his teen sister. I know the young man had critical injuries but someone later told me that he did survive, but lost an ear. His sister had cuts and bruises.
There was another teen who she hit and he didn't have any injures.
I do believe I found him on Facebook and did send him a message. I have no idea if he will reply and if he does I have no idea what I will say.
The other person that I believe I found was the accident investigator. Again, I have no idea if he will reply or recall the incident.
My desire to reach her, to know her, all the details both good and bad have taken me to some odd and also fun places.
Looking back at my search since finding her there has not been a thing mentioned to me that I have regretted hearing.
I understand that some do not need or want to know details and I am cool with that. We all take things in different ways and for some it is better to just know the main points. I however need to know them all.
As I turn my ear buds off to hear my husband snooping, I know that there are no answers that can take me down. I'm too strong to be broken by anyone but myself. The answers that may come to me this year I am unsure of what they will be.
I have no doubt though that there is a list of us ready to hear them, and should I need to fall for just a moment, I know there will be lots of people to hold me up.
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