A baby donkey, my bucket list and 3 dad's

You know growing up I would make lists of things I wanted or hoped to do someday. We now know those lists to be called bucket lists. I'm cool with that, but how do you fit it all in a bucket??

I want a donkey. Have you ever seen a  baby donkey? They are beyond cute, though aren't all babies? When my parents took us to Grenada I believe on our first visit, I was around 4 or 5 years old. On the beach was a local man who offered donkey rides. I was in my bathing suit and remember thinking the donkey was making me itch, and wishing I could take him home to cuddle. I never took another donkey ride after that. When we drive by fairs that have horse or donkey rides I have to look away. They're tied up and walking in circles, I don't think they are enjoying the children on their backs at all. I'd love to have enough land to have a donkey where he can just be free to roam. I told my husband though we would need to get him a goat to keep him company, and maybe a cow. I adore cows. Have you ever pet a cow???

I have 3 dad's. One raised me, I know him rather well. 

My second dad is called with affection "Donkey Dan."

I met him through classmates.com when I was trying to find people who knew Dottye.While he didn't know her, he was one of the people instrumental in finding out who the birth father was to Dottye's first born child. He also helped us to clarify the year of her birth. We remained friends online. He's a story teller in a very special way, he writes from the soul with a lot of humor and wit. I call him dad. I hope to meet him in the physical some day. Why do I call him dad? There's a connection there and I know he cares. And he said I could. :0) He told me that donkeys can be mean. And like I would with the dad who raised me, I'll smile at that comment and get one someday anyway.

My bucket list is not long. I did something last week that I didn't even know was on my list. I have the simple things on my list like find the rest of my birth family which includes my birth father and Dottye's birth family. I'd like to have that donkey. Someday I want to sleep on a secluded beach, and for sure before I kick the bucket I'd like one more ride on a motorcycle. Getting my book published before I die would be great, I'm ok if it happens after I die as well. 

What did I do last week. I took my 64 Mustang, named Molly after a horse I used to ride in camp, and did a drag race at the Texas Motor Speedway with her. My husband said I should. We had gone the week before to watch the races. Everyday people having fun on a safe track. Could I do it? Did I dare to do it?? My stomach was turning as I got in Molly and put my helmet on from a practice race. It was still 100 degrees and you can't run your ac on the track. Add the helmet, let's just say it wasn't pretty! I gave the thumbs up and punched the gas to the floor. I did two practice rounds. I lost the first one but had a good feel for how this works. The second one I won. I was smiling ear to ear as I pulled my helmet off and waited for Shannon to come to the car. As the driver I had just beat drove past me his grin turned to a large frown when he saw I was a chick. Classic, made me smile even more.

I lost my actual race. I bet him from the start then lulled too much to win. I almost looked parked as he drove on past me. My calves were sore for three days later. The rush was amazing and I look forward to winning a race. Guess that's on my bucket list, to win.

What's on your bucket list? Will you share it with me here on my blog so I can go back and reference it when I run out of my own ideas?

Is it wrong to hope on the anniversary of her death?

It's been 38 years since Dottye died.

I've only known for 7 and like so often with death, it feels like I have known forever and at the same time like I just found out.

One of the things that was hard to gasp was the fact that when I found out that she had died, I had already out lived her.

It took a long time to not envision her at her time of death, to not imagine the grotesque things that happened to her body in that crash.

I was not at peace with her death for a long time, and I can only thank Allison Dubois for helping me to find peace.

I thought, my sister and I as well as other family members wondered, did she commit suicide?

In my heart I wondered as my brain tried to convince myself that she would never have put strangers in harm as she tried to end her own life.

We knew she had a tortured soul, and I wondered often.

It only took one phone call with Allison to know in my heart as well as my mind that this was an accident. 

She may have had times where she wanted to die, but she ended up dying alone on the side of the road and that wasn't something that she planned.

Is it wrong to be so full of hope on this the day of her death?

An article ran in the Columbus Dispatch written by Joe Blundo.

The phone conversation with Mr. Blundo was relaxed and easy. Though as I hung up the phone I noticed how much I was sweating so I must have been nervous without mentally noticing it.

That article is in the paper today, the Sunday paper.

This the 38th anniversary of her reported death.

I have had a lot of hits to my website already, many from the Columbus area.

I am hopeful that someone will contact me who remembers her.

Maybe it seems wrong, but even without that hope I am grateful that in my own small way I was able to make a tribute in the form of a reported news article to my first mother.

The mother I will always feel a connection to; the mother I who I believe never got to hold me.

The mother whom I sometimes say "I never got to meet" but in reality, in my reality, is with me each day.

As my connections to some people fade, I find that my search for truth is building a connection within myself that I never had before.

Maybe that will be my answers when all is said and done?

Maybe my search is for myself, for a part of me I am still to find.

I'm not sure if she is resting in peace, I do think she is.

Maybe my digging would have upset her in life.

I believe though that as she watches me work at it, she is smiling down knowing that she is the center of my attention.

She liked to be noticed.

Click here to see the story by Joe Blundo on my search for people who Remember Dottye in the Columbus Dispatch. 

As I dropped to my knees..............

7 years ago today as my head spun and my mouth filled with the desire to vomit so many things never occurred to me.

For one, it had never occurred to me that my search efforts would all be in vain.

How could I have ever imagined that Dottye had died not a year or two before I would find her but 31?

She died before I was even walking without the help of furniture to keep my balance.

She didn't die from old age or perhaps the cause of a bad habit.

No, I was told in the by one of the kindest women I had yet to meet that she had died in a car accident.

The only words that helped to ease that pain were that she had died alone, no one else had died in the accident.

But she died there, at the scene, as she lay on the road.

How could I have imagined such a sad outcome of my search?

As she told me the other news my spirits began to rise and spin.

I had a sister, her name had been mentioned in the obituary.

I had always imagined that I had a sister, the only difference in my make believe was that she would have been younger then me, not older.

As I went about my day with a sort of shocked glaze, with a "Yes, I'm fine" reply each time I was asked, I could never have known how long the rest of my search would take.

In my make believe world I would have found Dottye and she would have filled in all of the blank spaces, all of the missing people. 

I never set out to become a detective.

I never set out to draw so much attention to myself or my search.

How could I now, today, look back and hold any regrets?

I can't. 

I don't.

I have done the very best I can to not hurt anyone else who was with me or in my path.

When I had choices to make I was sure to run them past my sister as well as my husband.

My search has been my own with some major support from my husband and thoughts from my sister and family.

7 years ago today I heard the most horrible words.

"Dottye is dead. I'm so sorry"

Today I can look back at those words and no longer feel my world begin to spin from them.

Rather I can grin because I know she has helped to lead the way to some of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Had she been alive, I might never have met them.

Had she been alive, I might never have known as much about her as I now do.

I can only look at it that way because she is not alive to tell me any different.

Lesson learned. Flip it when I can, make it better when I can, and cry when I need to.

Today is the day that I lost my first mother.

No, it's not the day that she actually died.

It's the day that my world came crashing in around me, the day the my life's dreams died.

And it is also the day that new dreams  began to form.

Click here to see more photos and details of my search.

7 years ago today ~ A name

It was 7 years ago today that my searcher called me and shared with me my first mothers name.

A name.

I finally had a name!

Dottye Robertson Moore.

We giggled at he way that she spelled her name with a "ye" rather then "ie".

I could only imagine what she must be like.

She would be in her 50's.

Would she even want to know me?

I hoped that she would speak to me at least once.

I went online to my adoption search groups and typed in her name.

Nothing.

Not a single mention of her name on any of the search sites?

Well that's fine, maybe she wasn't looking for me.

I had her name now so there's not a thing that can stop me now!

If she doesn't want to talk I'll at least get her to send me a photo, tell me who else I am related to and tell me medical information.

If she doesn't want to do any of that, well I will just show up at her front door and demand it!

My first mother is Dottye Robertson Moore.

7 years ago today I had thought, I had hoped that I would be able to call her soon.

This now 7 years later, I am flooded with hope by total strangers who are joining me in my journey to find my truth.

They are hopping onto this crazy ride, and they do not even know my middle name or favorite color.

It's amazing what hope can bring.

It's fascinating what Dottye is still able to do with her look from a photo, to make people want to know what is on the inside of that soul.

Continued hope during what was one of the worst weeks of my life, as well as the best.

Continued hope!

The week of sadness = The week of hope

I had searched for 14 years before finding out my first mothers name.

I did as I was advised by sending in requests to the courts, and paying the fees to do so.

When the Internet came out I joined the groups suggested and searched different places for anyone who might be looking for me.

It was disappointing every time I looked, and found that there wasn't a soul who wanted to find me in return. 

Hurt leads to a lot of thoughts, a lot of theories, and a lot of questions.

Maybe she wasn't looking for me because she was told not to.

Was it possible that she didn't know how to search for me?

Dear lord maybe she didn't want to know me at all.

Was she a street person or in a mental ward? 

Was she strung out with a house full of other children?

The truth just never occurred to me. It was never even a thought.

I had my "non identifying information" so I knew a few things.

I knew she had been married, but my birth father was not. This was the first sign of why I had been given up to begin with, an affair. 

I knew her age, and as the years went on I knew that she too was getting older and that my time would at some point run out. 

I just never imagined that her time was already gone.

I knew that conventional methods of searching were not working for me. I had joined so many registries, forums, and had mailed or emailed so many groups trying to get my answers......

I decided to start listing items for sale on Ebay. This was my way of helping to contribute financially though I did also have a  job at the time.

I was selling purses that I had embellished with dachshunds made of fabric, rhinestones and vintage buttons. I did some with poodles as well, they were actually rather cute for someone who likes to be noticed.

I also tried my hand at painting. I only did one painting, and it was a purple dachshund flying through the air. She had a rhinestone collar. She was cute, to me anyway, as well as the buyer.

In the description of each item for sale I added a tad about being adopted and searching for birth family.

The painting was sold and the woman who bought it sent me an email informing me that she had purchased it for her daughter who was not yet a teen. Her daughter was adopted and when she became of age, this woman, her adoptive mother, would help her search.

This was my first personal experience with an adoptive parent who seemed to understand the need of knowing ones origins.

This painting also caught the eye of someone else. She sent me an email and informed me that she had sent my information to a gal in Ohio who does searches. This gal would go to vital stats and search for my birth name, if I was interested. All I had to do was call her and pay a small fee for meters and gas.

At first I thought it was a hoax. I spoke to my husband Shannon about it and made the call. She told me the fee, and I mailed the check. She told me when she would be going to vital stats, and I waited. We spoke a couple of times and emailed often. She explained that my search could take some time. The year 1972 at Columbus vital stats is not in order by date. Several years for Ohio are missing names, parts of the year, or are out of order like 1972 which makes an already tedious search even more so.

It actually didn't take long at all. 

I'm not going to go into the story of that call since I believe I have already touched on it.

What will I say?

Now, 7 years later, 7 years after finding out my first mothers name, and then about her death......as my husband and I have grown into different beliefs over time, I can say this was not by chance, it was not a coincidence.

I found out my first mothers name on July 13th and 14th. This was two days as my searcher checked for maiden as well as married and had to verify that she had the right birth.

On July 15th I found out that Dottye Robertson Moore had died in a car accident on July 17th, 1973.

You can not tell me that someone was not guiding this whole thing.

It is too much in our eyes to call it a coincidence that the first phone call to my sister was on the day before the anniversary of our mothers death.

July 17th is a sad day of coarse. For me however it is the 15th that takes me back to the sadness, broken dreams, and lost hope. While Dottye died on the 17th, my heart broke on the 15th and so I find this day a bit harder to escape in my mind, a bit more difficult to move through.

Shannon and I are able to look back over the 15 plus year we have been together, over the past 7 years of knowing this and that about my birth family, and we can laugh. There is so much frustration involved almost daily as I continue to try and track down leads. However, we have met some of the most amazing people along the way and are impressed with how much we have found out, how much we have been able to accomplish so far.

As we head into what is a roller coaster  ride of a week, we brace ourselves for what may or may not come. We have added this year the lost of a very beloved pet named Nugget, and that pain is still very fresh as well. Nugget. He was 9 and a half when we got him, meaning we had him before we got any of my answers.

Nugget. His name was actually supposed to be Nougat, you know the part of a Snickers candy bar? We spelled it wrong and Nugget stuck. We had to laugh when we found out that Dottye got pregnant with me while in Las Vegas.........and that we often called Nugget "Our Golden Nugget."

It all happens for a reason, sometimes it is hard to reason while the emotions are so strong. This year I will trust my heart, listen to my gut, and look back hopefully with happiness over what I have found, rather then the pain of those who have said hurtful things along the way, and rather then looking at the work still to be done.

Hopefully.

Still have a heart full of hope, and with that I am pretty confident that I will remain a ok :0)

Our boy Nugget......how could you not love that angel face? We miss him daily, and know he is always with us in spirit.

If you questioned my sanity before.........

I spent today sending out emails to each establishment I could find in the La Voce paper that I had picked up during my March visit to Las Vegas. Why not. My father was Italian, so why not reach out to other Italians?

I did get one reply and hope he will continue to spread the word.

That's not the nuts part, though to some it might be border line.

Going to try not to get too personal here. Me, not personal! lol

Daisy did a pee in the hall this morning. All I could think was because the grass was wet and we had been out of  town maybe she decided she'd do it her way? She slunk down as she walked past the spot and I assured her that it was ok.

Daisy is my 9 and a half year old long coated mini dachshund. She has been, shall we say, special needs her entire life. Back surgery was a success. But she has always had female issues and can not have any vaccines at all. She almost went to the bridge after a bee sting, then a black widow bite, then another bee sting.

When we leave Daisy she can shut down sort to speak. She gets nervous and then her body just shuts down. Maybe kind of like when we travel and catch a cold?

I cleaned up her mess and we went on with our day. I had been a little concerned, she has been tired since we have been back home but I think that is the heat. Today she has been in great spirits.

I came home to give her a snack as well as her baby brother Duke. They get one at 8 pm every night because she has to have meds given to her 12 hours apart. I took them outside after their snack and Daisy was a good girl again and did her pee out in the grass. I let her in and stayed out with Duke for a few more minutes. When I came in I noticed the puddle on the kitchen tile, and the big ol "I'm sorry" doxie eyes of Daisy Mae looking up at me. 

Again, I cleaned it up and assured her it was not her fault, for I know it is not and getting angry will not make anyone feel better.

The personal part? Way TMI but Monday I had my OBGYN appointment. I go every 6 months to make sure my left ovary is not growing some sort of new tumor. I checked out A ok however they noticed blood in my urine and ran it to be sure that I didn't have a UTI. I don't, not sure what the blood was from.

I told my husband over the phone what was giong on this evening and I said "Do I need to mention to you the blood in my urine this week" to which I could hear him smile as he said no.

He then called me a total head case.

He knows it is true.

I've been given a special connection with Daisy Mae, a medical connection. I don't think I have it with Duke and I only had a tad of it with Nugget, but I have always had it with Daisy and in a way it makes me wish I had been able to have or made the choice to have had a child.

If I had been paying attention I would have known on Monday that Daisy was about to have a health issue. Usually I present signs with out any medical diagnosis to back it up, before she does. Mind you I'm sure my signs are much weaker then hers since there is never an actual condition (unless crazy woman is a medical condition!) but with Daisy she usually has to be put on meds.

So, I often worry when I have a migraine that Day or Duke are hurting as well. If my back is sore for no good reason I give Daisy and Duke a massage just to be on the safe side. When my allergies and acting up with a basket full of tissues, I tend to their teary eyes as well.

We've been blessed to have Daisy healthy for several months in a row now. We've been blessed to have her when she is not healthy, heck even near death. This dog has taught me more then some people in my life have taught me! I'm sure we'll get her to the vet and she will check out fine.

What I'm not sure of is why I felt the need to share it with so many who might now walk over to their significant others and laugh their butts off!

Maybe because I am proud that I can walk in the door and know just what my fur kids need. And when I walk inthe door, they know just what I need as well.