The week of sadness = The week of hope

I had searched for 14 years before finding out my first mothers name.

I did as I was advised by sending in requests to the courts, and paying the fees to do so.

When the Internet came out I joined the groups suggested and searched different places for anyone who might be looking for me.

It was disappointing every time I looked, and found that there wasn't a soul who wanted to find me in return. 

Hurt leads to a lot of thoughts, a lot of theories, and a lot of questions.

Maybe she wasn't looking for me because she was told not to.

Was it possible that she didn't know how to search for me?

Dear lord maybe she didn't want to know me at all.

Was she a street person or in a mental ward? 

Was she strung out with a house full of other children?

The truth just never occurred to me. It was never even a thought.

I had my "non identifying information" so I knew a few things.

I knew she had been married, but my birth father was not. This was the first sign of why I had been given up to begin with, an affair. 

I knew her age, and as the years went on I knew that she too was getting older and that my time would at some point run out. 

I just never imagined that her time was already gone.

I knew that conventional methods of searching were not working for me. I had joined so many registries, forums, and had mailed or emailed so many groups trying to get my answers......

I decided to start listing items for sale on Ebay. This was my way of helping to contribute financially though I did also have a  job at the time.

I was selling purses that I had embellished with dachshunds made of fabric, rhinestones and vintage buttons. I did some with poodles as well, they were actually rather cute for someone who likes to be noticed.

I also tried my hand at painting. I only did one painting, and it was a purple dachshund flying through the air. She had a rhinestone collar. She was cute, to me anyway, as well as the buyer.

In the description of each item for sale I added a tad about being adopted and searching for birth family.

The painting was sold and the woman who bought it sent me an email informing me that she had purchased it for her daughter who was not yet a teen. Her daughter was adopted and when she became of age, this woman, her adoptive mother, would help her search.

This was my first personal experience with an adoptive parent who seemed to understand the need of knowing ones origins.

This painting also caught the eye of someone else. She sent me an email and informed me that she had sent my information to a gal in Ohio who does searches. This gal would go to vital stats and search for my birth name, if I was interested. All I had to do was call her and pay a small fee for meters and gas.

At first I thought it was a hoax. I spoke to my husband Shannon about it and made the call. She told me the fee, and I mailed the check. She told me when she would be going to vital stats, and I waited. We spoke a couple of times and emailed often. She explained that my search could take some time. The year 1972 at Columbus vital stats is not in order by date. Several years for Ohio are missing names, parts of the year, or are out of order like 1972 which makes an already tedious search even more so.

It actually didn't take long at all. 

I'm not going to go into the story of that call since I believe I have already touched on it.

What will I say?

Now, 7 years later, 7 years after finding out my first mothers name, and then about her death......as my husband and I have grown into different beliefs over time, I can say this was not by chance, it was not a coincidence.

I found out my first mothers name on July 13th and 14th. This was two days as my searcher checked for maiden as well as married and had to verify that she had the right birth.

On July 15th I found out that Dottye Robertson Moore had died in a car accident on July 17th, 1973.

You can not tell me that someone was not guiding this whole thing.

It is too much in our eyes to call it a coincidence that the first phone call to my sister was on the day before the anniversary of our mothers death.

July 17th is a sad day of coarse. For me however it is the 15th that takes me back to the sadness, broken dreams, and lost hope. While Dottye died on the 17th, my heart broke on the 15th and so I find this day a bit harder to escape in my mind, a bit more difficult to move through.

Shannon and I are able to look back over the 15 plus year we have been together, over the past 7 years of knowing this and that about my birth family, and we can laugh. There is so much frustration involved almost daily as I continue to try and track down leads. However, we have met some of the most amazing people along the way and are impressed with how much we have found out, how much we have been able to accomplish so far.

As we head into what is a roller coaster  ride of a week, we brace ourselves for what may or may not come. We have added this year the lost of a very beloved pet named Nugget, and that pain is still very fresh as well. Nugget. He was 9 and a half when we got him, meaning we had him before we got any of my answers.

Nugget. His name was actually supposed to be Nougat, you know the part of a Snickers candy bar? We spelled it wrong and Nugget stuck. We had to laugh when we found out that Dottye got pregnant with me while in Las Vegas.........and that we often called Nugget "Our Golden Nugget."

It all happens for a reason, sometimes it is hard to reason while the emotions are so strong. This year I will trust my heart, listen to my gut, and look back hopefully with happiness over what I have found, rather then the pain of those who have said hurtful things along the way, and rather then looking at the work still to be done.

Hopefully.

Still have a heart full of hope, and with that I am pretty confident that I will remain a ok :0)

Our boy Nugget......how could you not love that angel face? We miss him daily, and know he is always with us in spirit.

Who did I meet????

Shall we list the people?

It actually began on the flight to Las Vegas!

We met a man named Kelly who is one of the owners of a local bar in town called Money Plays. I was eavesdropping as he told some ladies where to go, what to do as this was their first visit to Las Vegas.

When he was finished talking to them, I decided it was time to "work". I handed him one of my business cards and explained about one of my reasons for our trip to Las Vegas.

He took an interest and in return gave us a card to his bar with a free drink and meal on it. We did end up at his bar, twice. Though we didn't use the "free" pass. When people are good, you have to be good back. 

We went to Money Plays on Friday night. A friend of mine whom I had known online for several years drove down from Arizona to meet! We went to the bar and had a great time laughing and chatting on the corner bar stools. While we chucked it up my husband Shannon spoke to several other patrons. 

Kelly walked in and he looked so surprised to see us. As it turns out the real surprise was that he walked in. Usually he come a couple of weekday mornings. Shannon and I smiled and said this is how it works with us. The galaxy seems to change, to place people in our path without warning to those people.

We met a few other people that night as well. One was a man named Joe. Joe is a Sin City Kid. He was born and raised in Las Vegas and said "I know you've heard the phrase but it is different for us. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you're from Vegas then everyone knows!" We're going with that Joe! I so hope that everyone knows and we can find my answers soon! Who knows, we may be related!

I met a man who used to set up lights for Waylon Jennings. He told us about a few of the shows and I laughed and told him of Dottye's relations with Waylon.

Again, I never seem to be too surprised at how small the world can get from time to time!

As we were leaving we also met a man named Tyge. He took an interest in why we were there and was as kind as can be. I later read on his blog how he had been in a car accident just a short time before we met, and he was still kind enough to chat with strangers. Check out his site. He calls it a blog but to my eyes it's really more of a magazine full of information and his writing is so clean. Want to know about local Las Vegas AND the going ons? Click here! He took the time today to email me and let me know that he included a bit on why I was there in his blogging. If you want to read that scroll down at the following link. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page for his blog on my visit.

So that is how our visit began, with the meeting of a local named Kelly who decided to chat rather then nap on the plane! Kelly told us he is going to take a photo of our business card and scan it in to their juke box. I left cards in the bathroom on our second night out and received and email from another of the patrons. We had the chance to meet up with our friends while we were there and took them to Money Talks on our last night. The bar was having a customer appreciation night with live music and food. It was a great send off!

This was not our whole trip of coarse, but I had to touch on it for one main reason. My search has taught me to have a more open heart. I'm no longer afraid of telling my story to strangers. Cat's out of the bag sort of thing really. It's out, let it play, let it amuse others. I think we get used to people being rude or harsh, rash and irritable. Our visit to Las Vegas reminded both Shannon and myself that when people go back to their true nature they are giving, kind and at times so very funny! We have to allow ourselves to go back to that soft spot inside our hearts in order to help others to unleash their kindness. Let them see that it's worth it by being kind right back. And if someone isn't kind, well give them a smile and move on. There's no reason to be rude, just smile and walk away from the negativity until gravity pulls you towards another happy soul.

Ok. Many of you know that one of my challenges was to get on the local news. And yes, it was a challenge. I had a few stations interested in meeting and by the time we got there it seemed that we lost all interest. It seemed anyway. After a couple of rounds of phone tag and lack of a crew to come meet with us, I finally got the hit. The Fox 5 Vegas crew came out to speak to me on the morning of Friday the 24th. I had hoped that my sister Karen would do the interview with me as I had presented the trip as two woman searching for answers, but she had just arrived at the strip which is about 20 minutes away from Fremont and might not have made it back in time. She declined to come for the interview and so I threw on my Remember Dottye shirt and headed down to the street to wait for the crew with Shannon. I was excited and nervous, as was Shannon. He knew it would go fine but he also knew this was it. This was my number one goal for my search during this trip and it was actually panning out. We had both begun to think that this task would not be accomplished, and so our adrenaline was on overload as we waited for our moment.

The reporter told me to keep my answers as short as possible since they would have to edit the footage to about a minute long. She asked her questions and I answered. I tried not to notice the HUGE camera in my face! Tried! The reporter learned quickly that my brain and my mouth work at one time with out a delay and that many of my thoughts do not have a filter. At one point Mary asked me if I knew anything about the relationship between Dottye and my birth father. I did actually sit a moment and think before blurting out "Well I know that they *explicit* , that's all I really know for sure though!" The look on her face was priceless as I apologized and looked down at my feet. I also forgot at one point that I had had microphone hooked up to my shirt. As we walked out of the Golden Gate I saw the camera man giggle. I looked down at my shirt and let out an aw crap and smiled back. Why? I had just announced to Shannon that I really needed to let out a belch. Note to self, do not down a Dr Pepper right before going on air!

That was Friday morning, the interview. It was that evening that we were hooking up with Tonja and it was just an exciting day full of hope and eagerness. I was sorry that my sister couldn't make the interview but only for a moment. There was not any time to dwell in any sort of negativity. I was so happy to be surrounded by light hearted people for most of my visit.

After our evening out with Tonja she rushed us back to the Golden Nugget. It had not occurred to any of us that my story would air at the beginning of the news! We got to our room at 10:04 and it had already aired! Ack say it ain't so!! The good news? It aired several times that night. Not only was that good in that I got to watch it before heading out to play some more, but it would be seen by more people. Some people like to watch news at different times, my hits should be good. The other good news was the length of the piece. It ran over 2 minutes rather then the one minute we had been waiting for. 

I had over 2 minutes of fame. I reached a new goal. I hope that goal reaches people who knew Dottye or my birth father.

Want to know more? My fingers are tired .....I'll be back!

Missed me on the news? Click here to see the news footage!