Over the weekend, you know, that first weekend, I sent my sister some photos of myself. I sent them to her home computer. When she saw them she replied something to the effect of "Ya, I can see some resemblance. I'll have to look on my work computer where I can see them better."
She said she would send me some photos of herself as well as her family that she had on her home computer but that she would have to bring photos of Dottye into work and have them scanned in.
When the photos of my sister came through I felt horrible because I felt disappointed. I searched the photos desperately trying to find a feature that made me thing YES! That's my sister. I couldn't. I so wished that I would see myself and I just didn't.
Shannon printed the photos out for me and we took them with us to his parents house to show his mom. She was so excited and said we did look alike. My mother in law has a way of seeing the good in everything. I just couldn't see it, and it was such a confusing feeling.
I was so excited because I had found my sister, so sad to have lost my mother. Wanted with all my might to finally look like someone and felt ungrateful.
The fact that I had searched "legally" for 14 years and had hit the bottom of my ride was taking it's toll on my emotional side.
And there was a scary yet comforting fact that my sister had told me.
Dottye had what was called by other family members "the dark side".
I'm not sure if in this day and age it would be called depression, manic depression or bi polar. What ever you call it, she had it.
And that knowledge was comforting, maybe in a sick way. I knew I had at least a little bit of my mother in me.
A dark side, the desire to smoke, and walking with our toes in.
I needed to connect with my sister, I needed to pull myself out of this funk, I needed to not explore that dark side of my own.......................................
I only had to wait one more day for photos of Dottye. I had to get my head ready for more disappointment as I was sure it would come.
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