Gun safe's, Fallout shelters and birth control...

Often called a roller coaster ride.

It seemed I was on the phone constantly and emailing. Telling people what other people were saying, and filtering my words.

My sister had said "call anytime" and I took her up on it. After our first night of conversation I wanted to know more, needed to feel the connection.

I called and she was very short with me "I have things to do with family, I'll email you from work."

It was a simple and honest statement really, but I felt set up.

This was the day after receiving a plant arrangement from her that said "welcome baby girl Moore, Love your big sister". Baby girl Moore, the only birth name I might ever know.

I can filter my words on a good day. All of the calls from family and friends was begining to take it's toll.

I was beginning to feel very, very angry.

The anger was at both the facts as well as the presumed lies.

I wondered then, and still wonder today if I will ever know the full truth.

The shut down of my spirit was beginning, and I often felt the need to test the fate of my own soul.

I only did it a few times......often I would warn Shannon of my mood and "dark" desires.

There were however a few times that I got into the car and drove as fast as I could get her to go, all the while questioning if I would hit the brakes at the next red light.

There only seemed to be one thing at the time that would break my feelings of desperation.

I had more siblings out there, and I needed to tell them what I knew.

I needed to tell them why she would never come looking for them either.

As I set out to find them,I had no idea how interesting, and then devastating those finds would be.
I wish I had known I would need better protection then what I had. Is there ever a way to keep yourself open to kindness and love, and at the same time block out the hateful words?

Joy to the World.....Three Dog Night. Yes, there is a reason for our love of this song.