My main goal was to not hurt them.

You know sometimes we can learn things even when no words are said.

Speaking of my adoption, searching for birth family, there were words said and looks of sadness.

I used to use the old excuse "I have a right to my medical history" to which my father replied "Just go to the doctor." 

I understood loud and clear that my searching for birth family was not understood by my parents. Given our history of communication, I knew better then to let them know that I would search anyway. I wouldn't stop until I got all of the answers that I felt I needed.

I was as ready as I could be to call them. I knew some of the basics that I wanted to tell them. The main thing was to not hurt them. They had, and probably still have no idea how much work has gone into my search. When I find people who are supportive in one area, I simply stop sharing that area with them. In the case of my parents, the main subject was my search. I felt however, that as my parents, they deserved to know.

My mom answered and I asked that she get dad on the line as well. I told her everything was ok I  jsut wanted to speak with both of them at the same time. I spoke clearly and calmly and hoped that the call could be short and to the point.

Sometimes we need more then hope. What I needed to do was start learning how to shut my mouth rather then spew out everything when my nerves get going.

Anyway.

They were both on the line. "I know it has been a while since I have shared with you anything about my desire to find my birth family. I wanted to let you know that I have had someone helping me to search and we found my birth mother."

Oh and ok were the replies.

"And?" mom said.

I explained to them that we found my birth mother. Her name was Dottye and she had a daughter, possibly had other children who she placed for adoption as well. (I knew this because Karen said there may have been at least one birth when Dottye was in high school. I also knew this because on the vital stats record it showed that Dottye had 3 live births and 5 miscarriages.)

"Dottye is dead. She died in a car accident in 1973." I informed them finally.

Moms reply. Well it hit me a little during the actual words but didn't hurt or then anger me until after I hung up the phone.

"Well I'm sure that will make things easier." she said

I also shared with them that the family had believed that Dottye and her sister were at least part Native American.

"You're Indian?" dad said.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Well that would explain all of your issues." mom chimed in.

I decided the call had gone on long enough. I had been pleasant in sharing with them that I had spoken to my sister and she was really nice. I saw that I had already given them too many details in my effort to please them, to make them feel like they were a part of my new journey. I didn't talk back, I just took it in and it was time to get off the phone and let it all blow back out.

I told them I would keep them posted on if I learned anything new, but I knew the reality was that if I wanted to protect my own feelings, I would have to be careful as to what I told them.

It wouldn't be the last time that they would hurt me, far from it. 

I only wanted them to know that this was not any sort of attempt at getting rid of them as my parents. 

When I hung up the phone I went out to Shannon and told him about the call. I needed to defuse and so I made a call to a close friend as well. She's known me almost my entire life so gets it, gets the hurt and is able to tell me how I walk into it at times.

After speaking to her I wondered. Mom and dad didn't sound surprised when I told them she was dead.

Why didn't they sound surprised????