From numb to a nervous mess!

I woke up the next morning feeling rather numb. It had only been a day since I heard the news that seemed to nearly crush my world. I did my normal routine with no feeling at all. Maybe it was shock, it really felt like numb confusion.

When Sue called that morning I figured she would just be calling to check in on me, which she was. She was also ready to give me the phone number of my sister, Karen.

Holy shit!

It took less then a day to find her since she had married there in Columbus and stayed there to live. Sue and I went over how to introduce myself. It was not a script really. She just was telling me that the first thing I needed to do was make sure to get Karen to write down my phone number. There was no way to knwo how she would react to my call and if she hung up for some reason, we wanted to be sure she had a way to get back in touch with me. I promised Sue that I would call her as soon as I spoke to Karen.

And then the wait began. Living in Texas I knew I was an hour behind my sister. I did try to call her during the day but only reached her daughter who informed me that KAren was at work and also told me what time she would get home. I said I would call back.

I called back a little before dinner time and Karen's husband answered. He asked who it was so I gave him my first name. He said he'd have her call me back and took my number. I asked if it would be ok if I called her in an hour and he said sure. I just knew he knew who I was!

I couldn't eat, I could barely think or sit still. My husband was slightly amused and nervous with and for me.He decided to make some chicken wings and since I had not had a bite to eat for most of the afternoon I decided I had enough time to eat a few, you know, so I didn't pass out from  lack of energy when I called her. At least this way if I passed out it would be from nerves!

As we were eating the wings the wings the phone rang.

If you have ever seen the I Love Lucy show, I can only imagine that I looked a lot like her in the panic moment that took over when I saw that the phone number on caller id was my sister Karen's. I yelled to Shannon "OMG it's her! Answer it! I have to wash  my hands!" And yes, I yelled the whole thing as he jumped up laughing and answered the phone.

Crap!! She called me! I was supposed to call her! 

She asked what I was calling in reference to when I took the phone.

I was pretty forward with hre, it is really the only way that I know how to be.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this so I'm just going to come out and say it."

"Ok?" she replied.

"I'm your sister. We had the same mom, Dottye." I belted out as calmly as I could.

Please, don't hang up was all that I could seem to think. Just give me a chance, don't hang up.

"Ok. What do you know about her?" she asked.

I told her that I knew that she had died, and that Karen's dad was not my dad.

Karen and I spoke for a short time and she was so open and said she had lots of things she could tell me about Dottye. 
I had figured that my sister would be younger then me, it turned out I was still the baby in the family.
I thought that my sister knew about me, she had no idea. After time though, she did remember Dottye being pregnant with me. They used to call each other sissy, I wonder if that had anything to do with me.

She asked "Can you call me back?"

I told her yes and asked if a week was too soon.

"A week? Oh god no, just call me back in an hour." she replied.

When I got off of the phone I started rattling off all of the things Karen had told me so far to Shannon. I was like a five year old on too much caffeine.

I was going to call Karen back in an hour, but she didn't give me the chance. She called me back first.

That night was the highest I have ever in my life felt. 

We spoke for hours. She told me things that only I could understand or relate to.

It's hard to explain the emotion.

I'd spent my entire life looking in the mirror just to look away.

It was not just the fact that I often find myself repulsive to look at, but also the fact that I never felt like I belonged. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, even when I looked at myself.

Karen told me some of the most simple things really. 

Things that so many people take for granted, because they can.

Karen and Dottye, like myself, really don't like to cook.

None of us like water as a drink.

We all walk with our toes in.

I had a lifetime of hearing my mom walking behind me saying "Toes out Wendy."

It was never said in a mean way. I had a cast on one leg as a child to fix a twisted leg. So mom was just trying to help me walk in a different way.

When I told Karen about his she laughed because her aunt who raised her in part after Dottye died used to tell her "Toes out Karen."

And, Karen remembers as a child being at her grandparents house and them saying to Dottye "Toes out Dottye"

Can you see?

I finally belonged.

I suddenly stood a little taller, a little less hunched over.

I smiled, a real smile. One that brought up happiness and sadness all at the same time from a deep in the gut place.

We went to dinner with friends that night and they listened probably better then I ever could to all of my ramblings. 

That night, was nothing short of amazing.

It also however would be my only night to relish in my happiness and sadness alone.

Being the good adoptee that I was, the "grateful" adoptee, I felt I had to share this new information with my parents. It was going to crush my old life and open a chapter, a beginning to a new life. 

I would have to be careful with my words, I just had no idea how painful my parents words , and silence, might be.

Remember Dottye web site