Who did I meet????

Shall we list the people?

It actually began on the flight to Las Vegas!

We met a man named Kelly who is one of the owners of a local bar in town called Money Plays. I was eavesdropping as he told some ladies where to go, what to do as this was their first visit to Las Vegas.

When he was finished talking to them, I decided it was time to "work". I handed him one of my business cards and explained about one of my reasons for our trip to Las Vegas.

He took an interest and in return gave us a card to his bar with a free drink and meal on it. We did end up at his bar, twice. Though we didn't use the "free" pass. When people are good, you have to be good back. 

We went to Money Plays on Friday night. A friend of mine whom I had known online for several years drove down from Arizona to meet! We went to the bar and had a great time laughing and chatting on the corner bar stools. While we chucked it up my husband Shannon spoke to several other patrons. 

Kelly walked in and he looked so surprised to see us. As it turns out the real surprise was that he walked in. Usually he come a couple of weekday mornings. Shannon and I smiled and said this is how it works with us. The galaxy seems to change, to place people in our path without warning to those people.

We met a few other people that night as well. One was a man named Joe. Joe is a Sin City Kid. He was born and raised in Las Vegas and said "I know you've heard the phrase but it is different for us. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you're from Vegas then everyone knows!" We're going with that Joe! I so hope that everyone knows and we can find my answers soon! Who knows, we may be related!

I met a man who used to set up lights for Waylon Jennings. He told us about a few of the shows and I laughed and told him of Dottye's relations with Waylon.

Again, I never seem to be too surprised at how small the world can get from time to time!

As we were leaving we also met a man named Tyge. He took an interest in why we were there and was as kind as can be. I later read on his blog how he had been in a car accident just a short time before we met, and he was still kind enough to chat with strangers. Check out his site. He calls it a blog but to my eyes it's really more of a magazine full of information and his writing is so clean. Want to know about local Las Vegas AND the going ons? Click here! He took the time today to email me and let me know that he included a bit on why I was there in his blogging. If you want to read that scroll down at the following link. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page for his blog on my visit.

So that is how our visit began, with the meeting of a local named Kelly who decided to chat rather then nap on the plane! Kelly told us he is going to take a photo of our business card and scan it in to their juke box. I left cards in the bathroom on our second night out and received and email from another of the patrons. We had the chance to meet up with our friends while we were there and took them to Money Talks on our last night. The bar was having a customer appreciation night with live music and food. It was a great send off!

This was not our whole trip of coarse, but I had to touch on it for one main reason. My search has taught me to have a more open heart. I'm no longer afraid of telling my story to strangers. Cat's out of the bag sort of thing really. It's out, let it play, let it amuse others. I think we get used to people being rude or harsh, rash and irritable. Our visit to Las Vegas reminded both Shannon and myself that when people go back to their true nature they are giving, kind and at times so very funny! We have to allow ourselves to go back to that soft spot inside our hearts in order to help others to unleash their kindness. Let them see that it's worth it by being kind right back. And if someone isn't kind, well give them a smile and move on. There's no reason to be rude, just smile and walk away from the negativity until gravity pulls you towards another happy soul.

Ok. Many of you know that one of my challenges was to get on the local news. And yes, it was a challenge. I had a few stations interested in meeting and by the time we got there it seemed that we lost all interest. It seemed anyway. After a couple of rounds of phone tag and lack of a crew to come meet with us, I finally got the hit. The Fox 5 Vegas crew came out to speak to me on the morning of Friday the 24th. I had hoped that my sister Karen would do the interview with me as I had presented the trip as two woman searching for answers, but she had just arrived at the strip which is about 20 minutes away from Fremont and might not have made it back in time. She declined to come for the interview and so I threw on my Remember Dottye shirt and headed down to the street to wait for the crew with Shannon. I was excited and nervous, as was Shannon. He knew it would go fine but he also knew this was it. This was my number one goal for my search during this trip and it was actually panning out. We had both begun to think that this task would not be accomplished, and so our adrenaline was on overload as we waited for our moment.

The reporter told me to keep my answers as short as possible since they would have to edit the footage to about a minute long. She asked her questions and I answered. I tried not to notice the HUGE camera in my face! Tried! The reporter learned quickly that my brain and my mouth work at one time with out a delay and that many of my thoughts do not have a filter. At one point Mary asked me if I knew anything about the relationship between Dottye and my birth father. I did actually sit a moment and think before blurting out "Well I know that they *explicit* , that's all I really know for sure though!" The look on her face was priceless as I apologized and looked down at my feet. I also forgot at one point that I had had microphone hooked up to my shirt. As we walked out of the Golden Gate I saw the camera man giggle. I looked down at my shirt and let out an aw crap and smiled back. Why? I had just announced to Shannon that I really needed to let out a belch. Note to self, do not down a Dr Pepper right before going on air!

That was Friday morning, the interview. It was that evening that we were hooking up with Tonja and it was just an exciting day full of hope and eagerness. I was sorry that my sister couldn't make the interview but only for a moment. There was not any time to dwell in any sort of negativity. I was so happy to be surrounded by light hearted people for most of my visit.

After our evening out with Tonja she rushed us back to the Golden Nugget. It had not occurred to any of us that my story would air at the beginning of the news! We got to our room at 10:04 and it had already aired! Ack say it ain't so!! The good news? It aired several times that night. Not only was that good in that I got to watch it before heading out to play some more, but it would be seen by more people. Some people like to watch news at different times, my hits should be good. The other good news was the length of the piece. It ran over 2 minutes rather then the one minute we had been waiting for. 

I had over 2 minutes of fame. I reached a new goal. I hope that goal reaches people who knew Dottye or my birth father.

Want to know more? My fingers are tired .....I'll be back!

Missed me on the news? Click here to see the news footage!

The Beatles

Sat out on the freemont strip as they did the sky show and the Beatles came on.
"what's your name.......who's your daddy?"
Really?
I wanted to yell "ya bitch what's my name? Who was my "daddy?""
did you even have a name tucked away deep in your heart for me? Did you ever play the pretend game that I have played my whole life?
If I could keep her I would name her...........
Ya well on a night like tonight I allow my mind to go back and dig into my gut with the feeling that no, you never had a name for me. I was the rotten dinner you ate while away and were more then happy to dispose of Dow the drain after you purged to feel better.
You needed to see me in order to be sure that I was ok or you as well as your husband were afraid that you would slip back into a mental state.
Never mind needing to see me to make sure that I was ok because you knew full well that your were doing horrible things to your body while you were pregnant with me.
I'm tired of you tonight.
I'm tired of trying to see your signs, of trying to figure out if you are sending them at all or if I am just reading the signs of a pigeon who farted in the wind.
And ps, I'm tired of finding out info and signs to pass along to your kept daughter.
You kept her, you figure out a way to tell her!!!
I forgive you for having an affair and for despising of me to save your own mental health. I can't help but to wonder if you ever had a moment to think of the mental heatlh of me.
And then I have to feel guilty knowing the life that you lived and that it was taken away without any warning at such young age.
Why should I feel guilty for I had nothing to do with your tragedy.
Oh ya, but I did. I was.
Please Dot, Dottye, mom, lady luck or what ever it is you want me to call you, please help me to find out the truth so I can find my own life!!

The Golden Nugget

As the pieces of my search seemed to come together in some ways about a year and a half ago Shannon and I out that maybe we knew the reason why we named our dachshund Nugget.
This was when we thought that Waylon was going to end up being my birth father. It made sense since we know he played here often.
I do know that Dottye did see him here, though we have no way to know how many times. One of the things tha Allison told me was tha Dottye enjoyed dancing, she enjoyed having a good time and loved being noticed. She knew that when she walked into a room that heads turned to look at her. She loved o dance and as I sit in my room I can imagine the music and the fun that she had. I know her fun often came crashing around her. I wonder if she thought that it was worth it though.
Can you see me Dottye?
Did you walk the same casino floors?
Did you sit at the same bar stool?
I know that you wanted to keep so much of your life private.
I know that you kept silent about so much of your pain.
Wouldn't it be worth it in some way ro let me let those secrets out?
Can you see that I need to be heard?
Do you understand why it is that I feel the need for people to remember you or at the very least acknowledge that you were once a woman who was full of life?
That you were taken too soon, even if once you were gone you were not sorry that your time had come?
You have three daughters and a son.
You have two daughters tha have connected on what is sometimes a scary level.
You have two daughters tha understand you in a way tha who knows, maybe we couldn't have understood you on this same level had you not teft us so soon.
You were only 24 and maybe tha is what part of the pain continues to be about.
I can't help but to think of you, even will all of the things that were secrets, tha others might look down on, I can't help but to still think that there is so much more to you.
Where are you tonight?

I made a request for people to look up Fox 5 news in Las Vegas. If you ever wanted to help, now would be a great time.
How do I go to sleep without looking back at the past 6 yeRs since finding my sister, without look back at my entire search?
How do I go to sleep when my thoughts won't slow down?
How will I ever know if I have done all that I can to make you somehow see that I will never hang my head in shame over anything that you did?
Ugh. What a day.

Back in Las Vegas

Please excuse my typos as I am typing on an iPad.
We are in Las Vegas. fox 5 had said to call them as soon as I landed which I did. The response was "well we won't be able to meet with you tonight, how long are you here for?" I told here we are here until Sunday morning to which she replied with a lack of enthusiasm " well hopefully we can organize a time to meet with you while you are here."
Hopefully? I even told her that I did not need to attend the show we have tickets for, that meeting with Fox 5 took precedence.
I'll call each day and continue to hope.
On the flight here I over heard a man saying he owned a bar that locals go to. I asked him if he got many old timers and he said one day a week they did. I gave him my cards and told him a bit of my story, his wife is also adopted.
His wife's parents are int their 80's and worked in casinos back when Dottye was here to they are going to call them as well as some other old timers that they know.
finally, he has a juke box which he can load a photo into. He is taking the card and loading the modeling photo of Dottye into the juke box.
Amazing to me still how some strangers continue to show kindness just because they stll have the goodness in them to do so.
For tonight I am off to try and have a good time, and to hopefully see some signs that don't say hey lady, give up.
If any of you want to help please feel free to do a google search for Las Vegas Fox 5 news. Look for the contact and call them or send an email telling them how important you think that this trip is for me.
Please???

New book = new hope and revisited hopes!

I got a new book in the mail yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed and read it. It is Allison Dubois latest and I already love it.

So far it is different from her others in that she had people whom she "read" for write in and share their feelings on the reading.

It upset me a tad when people were so offended by her on a housewives show last year. I've met her a few times, spoken to her a few times, and each time I really felt like she was pretty cool. You know, we all like or don't like some people and I guess I just see her as a person I'd want on my team. She stands by her friends and sticks to what she believes in.

Anyway, about the book. It made mention that just because we didn't grow up with a person per say, that doesn't mean that they don't want to be a part of our lives once they are gone. We could use Dottye as an example but I am going to use someone else, my grandma Rose. She was my dad's mom and passed away when I was 11 years old. I had never felt close to her. We lived about 5 hours away and only saw her a couple of times a year. It was cool to read though that there is a possibility that she would still want to hang out with me, even from the other side.

And then yes, there is Dottye. I know the signs that I have seen and sometimes get upset when I don't see more. Fact is, I didn't know her. So some of the signs that she might try to send, I might not notice. I'm getting ok with that most days, knowing that she has done a lot to send me signs that I do understand are from her.

We all have a right to our own beliefs, and I for one have the right to believe that even during struggles, I have people who passed before me who want to see me happy and who enjoy watching me learning to be happy.

Alison made mention of an app for your phone or ipad. It was only 99 cents so I went ahead and purchased it. She doesn't say that it works or doesn't work, just that her husband Joe was enjoying it. She did say that it had only mentioned a name in it's words once. The app by the way is called Ghost Radar. The name mentioned was her cousin Mark who happens to be her assistant during her seminars. He had lost his father who was raised in Texas. They were in Texas when Joe shared with them, after her seminar, the words that had come through on the app. One of those words was Mark. 

As I went to bed last night I plugged in my Ipad and started the app.  I knew it was a good night to run it as the storms were strong so we had a good electrical field. I know, some of this is blah blah blah to some of you, that's ok. As I went to bed I said out loud "I hope that I have spirits with me. I hope that you can send me some words, I hope that I will understand them."

Now I can read into the words all that I want to work for what makes me feel good. I'm aware of that. What I am also aware of is that I speak to Shannons gammy Rose often (yes both of our dad's had a mother named Rose) because she was really nice to me. Last night I had a ton of words. Some of them made me laugh, which is always good, others made me think. The two words that made me think were names.

Henry. We don't know a Henry.

Lee. Lee is Shannon's dad's name.

So two night before my trip to Vegas I am playing with a ghost app and having fun. Reading a book by a woman who helped to bring me hope and also helped me to be in a better place when it came to finding Dottye at a grave. It' all much better then the stress and the pain, we're here to love and be happy after all right?

I hope to be able to blog while I am in Vegas. Actually, I hope to be so busy that I don't have time to blog!

Wish me luck, give your loved ones a hug, and take some time to be happy :0)

Want to know more, the facts and see photos. Click here to see my web site!

Give up, Let go, Move on

There's more then one reason why my now 21 years legal search continues.

Anger.

The activity of searching, of doing, of looking keeps that anger suppressed.

If I find my birth father, I honestly believe I can say it is what it is.

If I instead decide to throw in the towel, to let it go, to give up on my search, the anger will surface and there will be fingers pointed, words said, and anger to be dealt with. Anger that is about what could have been not with my upbringing but rather with the last 21 years of my adult life.

Anger about the lies and the lack of consideration.

I'm not ready to deal with that anger.

I would prefer to find my birth father, call it finished and move on.

I'm finding the search part to be more and more difficult even when my days are active.

I know though, that the anger would be intense as it has been shoved down so many times, I have seen a glimpse of it and don't want to face it.

The anger, which of coarse is an easy way to deal with the hurt.

It's been a suck ass ride this week.

I'm ready to finish this out please.

Stop and smell the roses

I had been told by Allison Dubois that one of the signs from Dottye to me would be the scent of  a rose.

Now this doesn't mean so much that if I walk past a rose bush, or an air freshener that is rose scent that it came from Dottye, no it means something even more amazing.

Last year I was invited by my niece, my sisters daughter, to come out for her graduation party. First, it was amazing to my heart that it was my niece who wanted me to be there. It was going to be a great way for me to hang on the side lines and see her in her own element, to get to know her better. I've been proud of her and my other nieces since I had met them almost 7 years ago, but this would be a chance to see her with her friends and family and I looked forward to the trip.

I enjoyed myself, I felt at home. 

About those roses.

My sister and I decided to walk her dogs in the church field that is behind her house after the graduation party which was held at their house. My sister ran ahead of me with her beagle on leash so that he could sniff and feel like a little hunter.

I walked behind her, not worried about trying to keep up as I knew full well they would head back my way. 

The scent nearly overwhelmed me. Roses. I stopped in my tracks and scanned the field. I knew that the scent was roses, but surely there was some obvious reason for my smelling them.

There wasn't a single flower in eye shot. I bent over and tore some grass from the ground and brought it to my nose as I dragged in a large sniff. The grass was not the source.

I went to a nearby pine like tree and pulled some needles off of a branch and again sniffed with all my might, trying to find the source.

Nope, that too was not the source.

My heart beat a little faster, I sighed and said I know. I know you're here. I can feel you, and right now I can smell you.

I watched as Karen headed back my way and the scent vanished. No, not vanish really. It was simply gone as fast as it had come.

I grinned to myself knowing that this was one of my few private moments with Dottye. 

I glowed knowing that she was there and took the extra effort to make sure that I knew it.

It's been a year since I smelled her roses. She has indeed sent me other signs. I am sure she sends them and I miss them.

The scent of roses that day, there was no missing or denying it.

Karen never smelled them. I didn't tell her about it until after I was home from my trip visiting her. I felt selfish for not telling her at first, but I don't anymore.

I needed that moment to be mine, just for a little while.