Over expressed !!!!!! and !!!!!!

We are such a world of words without emotion it seems with the posts, tweets and blogging that goes on. Lol OMG and I was bawling.
Is it really that funny?
Did it really take your breath away?
How many tears actually fell?

Last night I had the channel on NBC so that I could catch the tribute section of the Emmy's. The truth is most of the shows that were up for nominations I had never seen before. I had heard of them, just never had seen them. I think they are on cable channels that we don't get, we have a thing about the cost of television entertainment and so only pay for the most basic.

My husband and I let the dogs out and as we came in the tribute to those who had died this past year was already in action.

"Damn it! We better not have missed much!"
I stood in front of the TV with him beside me, he was holding one of our dogs.

"That makes me so sad" I said with a tear in my eye as they showed Maya Angelou. A woman once silent with so many words to teach of the heart, the soul, of being one of love.
Soon the slideshow was over (I must say I did not agree with their choice in song, the lyrics for me didn't work, but that's just how I felt about it) and camera moves to Billy Crystal.
It was time. It was time to officially say goodbye to Robin Williams. The man who could so often make me actually laugh out loud (I do that rarely in real life), the man who played by far one of the funniest Jewish Yiddish men, ever.

It was short and to the point. As he began to speak I thought I saw the quiver of his chin and yet he moved on with grace. A few sentences that offered a wonderful visual followed by Robin Williams amazing blue eyes.

Eyes full of tears now though none had fallen I simply said "That really makes me want to cry."
"I know baby" was my husbands response.

I sucked it up, took a few exaggerated breaths and then moved on to getting ready for bed.

As he slept I wondered to myself: when is the last time I simply cried. A time when I didn't think about it? A cry that was natural and not stopped? A cry that was allowed to go on for as long as it needed to?
I know that crying can cleanse the body in the same way that laughter does however I don't allow myself to do it. I have many thoughts on why I don't allow it however I know some folks who would read some of the thoughts if I chose to type them out and be resentful of them.
One reason that doesn't point any fingers to anyone but myself is this thought , a thought I have had more then once.
What if I start to cry and then can't stop?
I mean I know that literally I would be able to stop, but the feeling is still there. When I am on the verge of letting those emotions out what if I just can not stop?

Crying upsets my dogs, it also leaves my husband in a place where he feels useless because he can't fix it. He wants to fix the pain and I know he can't, so I keep the pain to myself. At the very least it keeps him from hurting as well.

I don't often laugh out loud.
My breath is not usually really taken away.
More often then not, my tears are dry.