Since my latest trip to Las Vegas and the article that ran in the Columbus paper after that, I have had some real struggles. see the news footage and article by clicking here.
After posting on facebook and speaking in great length to my husband Shannon, we decided that I was finished.After 21 years of legal age searching, it was time to call it finished. I had not found my birth father, nor had I found Dottye's birth family. I had hoped it might still happen with my DNA samples in registries or someone coming across old information that I had posted.For the time being though, I was done in my active search.
I've never been good at balance. I jump in with two feet and have a hard time seeing beyond what my current task at hand is.Throwing in the towel on my search in the past had not been an easy decision and was usually only done in order to be able to focus on some other life project. This time I found it to be a relief, I was ready to move on to living life.
What would I do? Fun things like get back into taking photos, spending time reading, and driving my mustang down the drag strip. Call it a bucket list, or just call it living life. I was ready to move on.
How do I ignore the signs?
So often during my search I would get a clue, a tid bit, a lead, or something to make me hope once again that my search was not in vain. Many times when I allowed myself to open my heart once again to hope, I found a new pain, a new let down, a new reason to frown.
As I reflected once again on my search I also often felt that this search may not be about my ultimate goal of finding my birth father and Dottye's birth family. It may have more to do with the people that I meet along the way. It may not have anything to do with myself at all but rather maybe it is a search where others get to peek in at my journey and learn something for their own lives?
When I first decided to throw in the towel I was contacted by a P.I out in California. She said she wanted to help and I asked her if she knew my story. She replied that she did not and so I asked her to go to my website and take a look. If she still felt like she could help, then contact me again. She did go to my website and she contacted me again. She asked me to send her my list of names of Keno Writers from 1970 and told me that she would work on those.
Once again I opened myself up to hope and sent her the list. I never heard from her again though I tried contacting her several times from two different email accounts. I also sent an email to the company she works for, and received no reply. The best I can guess is either the company she works for, as well as herself, are less then legit or don't have the best morals in what they are doing. That, or, possibly, she was checking me out for someone who wanted to know more about me. I've had to close the door on that hope. Yet once again I was let down in a huge way and decided, it's time to live life.
What have I been doing? I've read a lot of books, played around with my camera. I stopped smoking yet once again and instead of a cigarette each morning I take my car out for a drive. My husband and I are working on upgrading the look of a few rooms in our home, and have made plans to do some exciting things in the future. I will post about those after they happen.
What have I not been doing? I have not been actively searching. I check my DNA sites each morning to see if I have any new relative matches. Other then that, I've just been living life.
As we were "just living life" last night we came home from checking on a friends cats. I walked into the office to see there was a message on our machine. Yes, we are one of the few that still has a home phone. I pressed the play button and listened.The message was long and Shannon asked me who it was to which I replied with a just a second gesture.
Who was it?
After my latest visit to Las Vegas I decided to try something different. I pulled out my La Voce Italian American magazine that I had picked up in Las Vegas and I emailed every person in there that had a restaurant or store ad. I received one reply from that mission. The man was ultra kind and told me of a man who is a bass player there in Vegas. He sent me his phone number and told me to give him a call, and so I did.
We spoke for a long time as he was rather interested in my search. He was only in high school during the early 70's so would not have known Dottye. He took my name and number and said he'd do what he could. He was ultra nice and I chalked it up as meeting yet another kind person along the road of my journey.
Last nights message was from that man. He told me that he had made a bunch of phone calls and came to the conclusion that while there is information out there, that it is likely that only a PI would be able to obtain it.Information like sheriff's cards that are not public information but maybe a PI would have the proper contacts to get a look at them. He said "It would seem to me that what you need is time and money. I of coarse don't want any money, and you've already put in the time, so I can only think that maybe if you have the money and want to it might be time for you to find a PI."
When the message was over I was tool tired to call back, and it was close to bed time. I looked over at Shannon and all he could do was laugh and offer me a hug.
How is it that any time I am ready to take a break, or in this case, ready to really throw in the towel, someone interrupts that thought and tries to keep me on track?
I can only be grateful that I have Shannon by my side as people call, emails come in, or we receive some sort of "Sign" so that I don't feel like I have lost my mind all on my own. It's nice to know we are loosing our minds together!
There were other signs this week as well, in the form of hummingbirds and dragonflies. I'm not sure why this is my road to take, but I will continue on and do my best to even out my search journey with real life events which are bound to include some happiness.
I know that I do have a choice in this, at the same time I feel like throwing in the towel or giving others the power to decide the ending is the wrong choice. So, back to it.
You and I seem to be at the same crossroads Wendy. I am sending out my last letter this week to my father's immediate family, this time asking if a cousin might share any pictures of my birth father that she might be able to locate for me. It has been over 23 three years of searching for truth for me. I too have met some of the nicest people along the way. One of the most memorable responses was from a 95-year-old blind man. He said that his wife had read him my letter. Although he did not have any answers for me, I could feel the gentleness in his voice when he spoke with compassion. He and his wife just wanted me to know that they cared.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your feelings, but I certainly couldn't possibly understand where your heart is at this moment because each of our journey's are so personal and different. I was thinking what I would want anyone to say to me, if it turns out like I am expecting, "You gave it your best shot." You gave it your best shot Wendy :); hugs to you my friend ♥
"Rest if you must but..."
ReplyDeleteA poem that I read when I was about 10 years old, and can still recite today.
Don't Quit -Author unknown
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.