The Golden Nugget

As the pieces of my search seemed to come together in some ways about a year and a half ago Shannon and I out that maybe we knew the reason why we named our dachshund Nugget.
This was when we thought that Waylon was going to end up being my birth father. It made sense since we know he played here often.
I do know that Dottye did see him here, though we have no way to know how many times. One of the things tha Allison told me was tha Dottye enjoyed dancing, she enjoyed having a good time and loved being noticed. She knew that when she walked into a room that heads turned to look at her. She loved o dance and as I sit in my room I can imagine the music and the fun that she had. I know her fun often came crashing around her. I wonder if she thought that it was worth it though.
Can you see me Dottye?
Did you walk the same casino floors?
Did you sit at the same bar stool?
I know that you wanted to keep so much of your life private.
I know that you kept silent about so much of your pain.
Wouldn't it be worth it in some way ro let me let those secrets out?
Can you see that I need to be heard?
Do you understand why it is that I feel the need for people to remember you or at the very least acknowledge that you were once a woman who was full of life?
That you were taken too soon, even if once you were gone you were not sorry that your time had come?
You have three daughters and a son.
You have two daughters tha have connected on what is sometimes a scary level.
You have two daughters tha understand you in a way tha who knows, maybe we couldn't have understood you on this same level had you not teft us so soon.
You were only 24 and maybe tha is what part of the pain continues to be about.
I can't help but to think of you, even will all of the things that were secrets, tha others might look down on, I can't help but to still think that there is so much more to you.
Where are you tonight?

I made a request for people to look up Fox 5 news in Las Vegas. If you ever wanted to help, now would be a great time.
How do I go to sleep without looking back at the past 6 yeRs since finding my sister, without look back at my entire search?
How do I go to sleep when my thoughts won't slow down?
How will I ever know if I have done all that I can to make you somehow see that I will never hang my head in shame over anything that you did?
Ugh. What a day.

Back in Las Vegas

Please excuse my typos as I am typing on an iPad.
We are in Las Vegas. fox 5 had said to call them as soon as I landed which I did. The response was "well we won't be able to meet with you tonight, how long are you here for?" I told here we are here until Sunday morning to which she replied with a lack of enthusiasm " well hopefully we can organize a time to meet with you while you are here."
Hopefully? I even told her that I did not need to attend the show we have tickets for, that meeting with Fox 5 took precedence.
I'll call each day and continue to hope.
On the flight here I over heard a man saying he owned a bar that locals go to. I asked him if he got many old timers and he said one day a week they did. I gave him my cards and told him a bit of my story, his wife is also adopted.
His wife's parents are int their 80's and worked in casinos back when Dottye was here to they are going to call them as well as some other old timers that they know.
finally, he has a juke box which he can load a photo into. He is taking the card and loading the modeling photo of Dottye into the juke box.
Amazing to me still how some strangers continue to show kindness just because they stll have the goodness in them to do so.
For tonight I am off to try and have a good time, and to hopefully see some signs that don't say hey lady, give up.
If any of you want to help please feel free to do a google search for Las Vegas Fox 5 news. Look for the contact and call them or send an email telling them how important you think that this trip is for me.
Please???

New book = new hope and revisited hopes!

I got a new book in the mail yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed and read it. It is Allison Dubois latest and I already love it.

So far it is different from her others in that she had people whom she "read" for write in and share their feelings on the reading.

It upset me a tad when people were so offended by her on a housewives show last year. I've met her a few times, spoken to her a few times, and each time I really felt like she was pretty cool. You know, we all like or don't like some people and I guess I just see her as a person I'd want on my team. She stands by her friends and sticks to what she believes in.

Anyway, about the book. It made mention that just because we didn't grow up with a person per say, that doesn't mean that they don't want to be a part of our lives once they are gone. We could use Dottye as an example but I am going to use someone else, my grandma Rose. She was my dad's mom and passed away when I was 11 years old. I had never felt close to her. We lived about 5 hours away and only saw her a couple of times a year. It was cool to read though that there is a possibility that she would still want to hang out with me, even from the other side.

And then yes, there is Dottye. I know the signs that I have seen and sometimes get upset when I don't see more. Fact is, I didn't know her. So some of the signs that she might try to send, I might not notice. I'm getting ok with that most days, knowing that she has done a lot to send me signs that I do understand are from her.

We all have a right to our own beliefs, and I for one have the right to believe that even during struggles, I have people who passed before me who want to see me happy and who enjoy watching me learning to be happy.

Alison made mention of an app for your phone or ipad. It was only 99 cents so I went ahead and purchased it. She doesn't say that it works or doesn't work, just that her husband Joe was enjoying it. She did say that it had only mentioned a name in it's words once. The app by the way is called Ghost Radar. The name mentioned was her cousin Mark who happens to be her assistant during her seminars. He had lost his father who was raised in Texas. They were in Texas when Joe shared with them, after her seminar, the words that had come through on the app. One of those words was Mark. 

As I went to bed last night I plugged in my Ipad and started the app.  I knew it was a good night to run it as the storms were strong so we had a good electrical field. I know, some of this is blah blah blah to some of you, that's ok. As I went to bed I said out loud "I hope that I have spirits with me. I hope that you can send me some words, I hope that I will understand them."

Now I can read into the words all that I want to work for what makes me feel good. I'm aware of that. What I am also aware of is that I speak to Shannons gammy Rose often (yes both of our dad's had a mother named Rose) because she was really nice to me. Last night I had a ton of words. Some of them made me laugh, which is always good, others made me think. The two words that made me think were names.

Henry. We don't know a Henry.

Lee. Lee is Shannon's dad's name.

So two night before my trip to Vegas I am playing with a ghost app and having fun. Reading a book by a woman who helped to bring me hope and also helped me to be in a better place when it came to finding Dottye at a grave. It' all much better then the stress and the pain, we're here to love and be happy after all right?

I hope to be able to blog while I am in Vegas. Actually, I hope to be so busy that I don't have time to blog!

Wish me luck, give your loved ones a hug, and take some time to be happy :0)

Want to know more, the facts and see photos. Click here to see my web site!

Give up, Let go, Move on

There's more then one reason why my now 21 years legal search continues.

Anger.

The activity of searching, of doing, of looking keeps that anger suppressed.

If I find my birth father, I honestly believe I can say it is what it is.

If I instead decide to throw in the towel, to let it go, to give up on my search, the anger will surface and there will be fingers pointed, words said, and anger to be dealt with. Anger that is about what could have been not with my upbringing but rather with the last 21 years of my adult life.

Anger about the lies and the lack of consideration.

I'm not ready to deal with that anger.

I would prefer to find my birth father, call it finished and move on.

I'm finding the search part to be more and more difficult even when my days are active.

I know though, that the anger would be intense as it has been shoved down so many times, I have seen a glimpse of it and don't want to face it.

The anger, which of coarse is an easy way to deal with the hurt.

It's been a suck ass ride this week.

I'm ready to finish this out please.

Stop and smell the roses

I had been told by Allison Dubois that one of the signs from Dottye to me would be the scent of  a rose.

Now this doesn't mean so much that if I walk past a rose bush, or an air freshener that is rose scent that it came from Dottye, no it means something even more amazing.

Last year I was invited by my niece, my sisters daughter, to come out for her graduation party. First, it was amazing to my heart that it was my niece who wanted me to be there. It was going to be a great way for me to hang on the side lines and see her in her own element, to get to know her better. I've been proud of her and my other nieces since I had met them almost 7 years ago, but this would be a chance to see her with her friends and family and I looked forward to the trip.

I enjoyed myself, I felt at home. 

About those roses.

My sister and I decided to walk her dogs in the church field that is behind her house after the graduation party which was held at their house. My sister ran ahead of me with her beagle on leash so that he could sniff and feel like a little hunter.

I walked behind her, not worried about trying to keep up as I knew full well they would head back my way. 

The scent nearly overwhelmed me. Roses. I stopped in my tracks and scanned the field. I knew that the scent was roses, but surely there was some obvious reason for my smelling them.

There wasn't a single flower in eye shot. I bent over and tore some grass from the ground and brought it to my nose as I dragged in a large sniff. The grass was not the source.

I went to a nearby pine like tree and pulled some needles off of a branch and again sniffed with all my might, trying to find the source.

Nope, that too was not the source.

My heart beat a little faster, I sighed and said I know. I know you're here. I can feel you, and right now I can smell you.

I watched as Karen headed back my way and the scent vanished. No, not vanish really. It was simply gone as fast as it had come.

I grinned to myself knowing that this was one of my few private moments with Dottye. 

I glowed knowing that she was there and took the extra effort to make sure that I knew it.

It's been a year since I smelled her roses. She has indeed sent me other signs. I am sure she sends them and I miss them.

The scent of roses that day, there was no missing or denying it.

Karen never smelled them. I didn't tell her about it until after I was home from my trip visiting her. I felt selfish for not telling her at first, but I don't anymore.

I needed that moment to be mine, just for a little while.

No regrets?

How does one live life with no regrets if you have no idea what you might regret later in life?

I can look back and see things that might have been nice, or better had I known to change them.

I can wish for things to have been different in one way or another either by my actions of the actions of another.

Do I regret things from my past that I think I might take to my death bed and have to beg for understanding?

No, not yet.

I can look back at the years as well though and wonder what might have been had I put myself in a better position.

What if I had followed through on the hopes of being a social worker specializing in teens issues?

Was there any chance that if I had applied myself to different interests that I might have been a success at something?

Have my years been wasted trying to track down people who are dead or don't want contact?

Will I regret the time I have spent on my search, the years spent?

What have I gained out of it all?

What might I have become had I not spent my time fighting what so often feels like a losing battle?

I can't say for sure because I'm not yet feeling like I can throw that towel in.

At this moment, it feels like it could be soon, and then I wonder.

If I throw in the towel and somehow get my answers when I feel like I have given up, what might I regret?

I can only give one answer.

I would regret finding out that I was close to finding my birth father, gave up, and then found him at the grave just like Dottye.

There is I know another thing I may very well regret. 

That is continuing my search and finding him dead even soon.

What will I regret when my time is over?

How do I find a way to live without regrets?

Does he know????

I get asked that question a lot of times.

It doesn't bother me as much as the other one:

Did she know him?

Bother probably isn't a good word either, actually it really pisses me off when people ask that.

Yes, she knew him.

Can I verify that by asking her?

No, she's dead. She's been dead since I was 13 months old, or did I already tell you that?

Why do I think she knew him, how can I be sure?

I can't be sure with facts, I can however be sure with my gut.

She said where he was born, she stated his age as well as heritage, she knew he had been divorced, or he claimed to have been. His height, weight, coloring. Those can all come with a no name fling. The other stuff, not so much.

Lets face it, asking me if she even knew his name is the same as calling her a whore, and that doesn't fly so well with me.

I think people ask because they don't understand why I don't have his name or why I have not found him. Shouldn't he be looking for me?

I don't have his name because I am not granted the rights to his name. The courts claim to be protecting my birth parents. From what? Evil me?

He may or may not have known she was pregnant when she left. I have to guess that he knew at some point since I have not been able to find a legal notice revoking his rights as a birth parent. To me that would mean that either the laws were not followed, or he was told directly by mail and signed away his rights. 

Hope to find out the answer to that when I find him.

Is he alive?

Is he well adjusted or living on the street?

What state, what city does he live in now?

I have no idea.

Tell me to step down from my search, please go ahead!

How much longer will I search?

Great question.

Answer?

Until I find him.

My birth father was an Italian American who was born in Boston around 1942 give or take a few years. 

He worked as a Keno Writer in Las Vegas at the very least in the fall of 1971.

He stood around 6 foot 2 and was around 190 pounds.

Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin.

He said he had been divorced and was Catholic.

These are the things that Dottye thought she knew.

I hope to find out if they were all true.

See photos of Dottye as well as a tribute video by clicking here