Fall Ramble

There are times where I allow my thoughts to speak among themselves.

Other times I type them out then hit the wonderful delete button.

Often I type them and allow the public into my mind knowing full well that some of my words bring them outside of their own comfort zone. That comfort zone is not mine to worry about.

I woke this morning in a funk. I knew full well that it was coming and also know why it has arrived.

Spending close to two months getting ready for our annual Halloween fest has allowed me to shove life aside. I needed the break and imagine that I will soon find another way to avoid the reality of my voices.

Fall is a happy time in our home. One of the few things that Shannon and I have in common is our love for the festivities that come with Halloween. Our new home has offered us much comfort even in the small space and damaged goods. I feel like this home and the land that is with it has offered me my original packaging.

My thoughts move on to my sister who shares DNA through her mom, my first mom, Dottye. My sisters birthday falls on Halloween which was no real surprise to me when I first contacted her. Somehow in my own way of thinking when I heard her date of birth I knew it was one of the signs, The brothers that I had been raised with who do not share DNA but rather a history of good and not so good memories, they both have holiday birth dates as well.

As we prepared for our party I would find myself wondering if Dottye liked parties, did she have parties, did she love Halloween or simply love the fact that she bore a child that she got to keep on that very date.

As the years of my limited knowledge pass by I imagine that I am less like Dottye in personality then I had once hoped or thought. I'm fine with that as I do know for fact that I carry some of her mannerisms. I also like to think that perhaps she is proud of who I am, maybe I carry some of the personality traits that she desired.

As we prepare for our annual parental visit I can't help but to think of soul relations. I can look at past relationships and current between other people and say that the soulful connection to my parents is really not there, not for myself.

And that thought moved over to daily life and friendships.

Have you ever met someone and known that you knew them before?

Have you ever felt a connection to a stranger for what seems like no reason at all.

I can often feel that people are attracted to me not in a physical way but a more personality or spiritual way and it baffles me each time that I feel it. I don't often connect to people on a deep level , in my life there have been a hand or two full of folks I have been able to feel the light from, and that doesn't always mean that the light is specifically for me but rather a light that they are able to offer to everyone.

Upon speaking to a friend a few weeks ago it was nice to feel a connection of understanding when I told her that there are times where perfect strangers can totally drain my energy. I need my alone time though I know it's not always safe to be within my own world, sometimes it is safer then the energy drain from others.

I don't long for a safe life, I find many days are rather mundane. I do however wish to find a path that offers me answers to so many questions while walking along with strangers and friends alike who carry that light for non specific people. I hope to be one day a person who can offer that light.