I know where I stand on the three. I don't think that sex or effing has anything to do with love, though I think you should love the person that you do it with.
When I spoke to Allison Dubois the first time, we spoke for the most part about Dottye. I don't have my notes here in bed but I do recall something along the lines of Dottye looking for love, believing each man that to,d her "I love you".
There are days when I think I must be so much like her,or at least that I used to be so much like her. Lately I wonder though if maybe I am actually completely opposite from her.
Either way I don't think there is a thing that I could find out about her that would make me turn my back on her or speak unkindly of her. She struggled , that's a definite given. I believe we had a lot of the same sort of things happen in our lives. While she was looking for love, I was just looking to be rescued.
Love and rescue.
They kind of are the same really.
I will always keep my heart open for her. She is a part of my soul, and I will always feel the need to defend her. I think maybe because it feels like no one defended her enough while she was here.
My book sits in a box, I've yet to read it. I still feel like its not time. However, it does feel like it might be close to the time to write her story, as I see it.
I think it's time to make sure that people will Remember Dottye.
Don't you?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
To have and to hold
Im one of the people who over the years have played the head game " If you could only grab a few things from your home, what would you grab?"
Growing up there were two stuffed animals. I would wish that I could take them all.....but two for sure. It would be those two stuffed animals and my baby blanket. I would even practice grabbing them in case of a fire. Currently, those two stuffed animals are together with my blanket, in my bedroom. I left them home that I grew up with, and they came with me.
As an adult I've played this game as well. Now I am speaking of material items, pretending that the humans and pets are outside waiting for me. What would I grab if I only had minutes?
I would cry, I would leave those stuffed puppies behind and blanket, in order to be able to grab my adoption files. There are several.
Before find
After find
Arizona
Birth father
Vegas
Mentions in other books
As well as my search scrap book.
My jewelry would be nice as well, maybe I'll think about wearing all of the sentimental items all of the time so I never have to worry about grabbing them.
Or maybe I just won't orry about it at all.
As I sat outside tonight looking at the stars and watching two planes fly over I had a wish that I imagine will not come true.
It's a comforting thought and a sad one all at the same time.
I wish I could find that hidden treasure chest.
You know the one right?
It's the one that holds the letter, the journal, the single item of jewelry even if it's costume, and an article of clothing. All in a treasure chest, or safety deposit box that is suddenly found.
The note says it is for me:
For my last born daughter, the daughter I never held but loved so much.
Xoxoxox your mom Dottye
That would have been so cool.
Growing up there were two stuffed animals. I would wish that I could take them all.....but two for sure. It would be those two stuffed animals and my baby blanket. I would even practice grabbing them in case of a fire. Currently, those two stuffed animals are together with my blanket, in my bedroom. I left them home that I grew up with, and they came with me.
As an adult I've played this game as well. Now I am speaking of material items, pretending that the humans and pets are outside waiting for me. What would I grab if I only had minutes?
I would cry, I would leave those stuffed puppies behind and blanket, in order to be able to grab my adoption files. There are several.
Before find
After find
Arizona
Birth father
Vegas
Mentions in other books
As well as my search scrap book.
My jewelry would be nice as well, maybe I'll think about wearing all of the sentimental items all of the time so I never have to worry about grabbing them.
Or maybe I just won't orry about it at all.
As I sat outside tonight looking at the stars and watching two planes fly over I had a wish that I imagine will not come true.
It's a comforting thought and a sad one all at the same time.
I wish I could find that hidden treasure chest.
You know the one right?
It's the one that holds the letter, the journal, the single item of jewelry even if it's costume, and an article of clothing. All in a treasure chest, or safety deposit box that is suddenly found.
The note says it is for me:
For my last born daughter, the daughter I never held but loved so much.
Xoxoxox your mom Dottye
That would have been so cool.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The gruesome facts
I find that often I feel the need for all of the facts. I'm just that way in life.
Tell me that you stepped in dog shit and I want to know where, what type of surface, how big, how solid and what shoes were you wearing if any at all.
Growing up when asking questions pertaining to my adoption I learned to work around the looks. My parents didn't look like they liked all of the questions. I learned to ask few questions but ask them at the right times in the right way.
Today I was focusing in part on researching my DNA matches. When you find fourth cousins it is a pretty big task to figure out how you relate when you yourself do not have any surnames to reference. I had an idea that didn't pan out too well however I will try a new idea in that area tomorrow or the next.
When doing "research" every now and then I feel the need to get into the reasons for my search.
I usually only need one item to bring me that answer, and it is my adoption scrapbook. I do not have each and every piece of paper work in that book, but the ones that cause the most emotion, pre Dottye.
My first designed page includes a photo of myself on the phone, for the first time with my sister Karen. It was July in Texas, hot, and I was out back so I could smoke while we talked. With those photos is the Columbus dispatch news article on Dottye's crash and death.
To look at that page is to see the pure happiness and the deepest of despair all at the same time.
As a side not I am typing this on my iPad with my ear buds in. I turned the music on shuffle. What song just came on for the first full song? Simple Minds Don't You (forget about me.) I shit you not I had no idea that I even had this song.
Anyway as I was saying.
I read the article once again. Then, I went to Facebook.
When Dottye died she had first hit two other cars. One was with a teen and his teen sister. I know the young man had critical injuries but someone later told me that he did survive, but lost an ear. His sister had cuts and bruises.
There was another teen who she hit and he didn't have any injures.
I do believe I found him on Facebook and did send him a message. I have no idea if he will reply and if he does I have no idea what I will say.
The other person that I believe I found was the accident investigator. Again, I have no idea if he will reply or recall the incident.
My desire to reach her, to know her, all the details both good and bad have taken me to some odd and also fun places.
Looking back at my search since finding her there has not been a thing mentioned to me that I have regretted hearing.
I understand that some do not need or want to know details and I am cool with that. We all take things in different ways and for some it is better to just know the main points. I however need to know them all.
As I turn my ear buds off to hear my husband snooping, I know that there are no answers that can take me down. I'm too strong to be broken by anyone but myself. The answers that may come to me this year I am unsure of what they will be.
I have no doubt though that there is a list of us ready to hear them, and should I need to fall for just a moment, I know there will be lots of people to hold me up.
Tell me that you stepped in dog shit and I want to know where, what type of surface, how big, how solid and what shoes were you wearing if any at all.
Growing up when asking questions pertaining to my adoption I learned to work around the looks. My parents didn't look like they liked all of the questions. I learned to ask few questions but ask them at the right times in the right way.
Today I was focusing in part on researching my DNA matches. When you find fourth cousins it is a pretty big task to figure out how you relate when you yourself do not have any surnames to reference. I had an idea that didn't pan out too well however I will try a new idea in that area tomorrow or the next.
When doing "research" every now and then I feel the need to get into the reasons for my search.
I usually only need one item to bring me that answer, and it is my adoption scrapbook. I do not have each and every piece of paper work in that book, but the ones that cause the most emotion, pre Dottye.
My first designed page includes a photo of myself on the phone, for the first time with my sister Karen. It was July in Texas, hot, and I was out back so I could smoke while we talked. With those photos is the Columbus dispatch news article on Dottye's crash and death.
To look at that page is to see the pure happiness and the deepest of despair all at the same time.
As a side not I am typing this on my iPad with my ear buds in. I turned the music on shuffle. What song just came on for the first full song? Simple Minds Don't You (forget about me.) I shit you not I had no idea that I even had this song.
Anyway as I was saying.
I read the article once again. Then, I went to Facebook.
When Dottye died she had first hit two other cars. One was with a teen and his teen sister. I know the young man had critical injuries but someone later told me that he did survive, but lost an ear. His sister had cuts and bruises.
There was another teen who she hit and he didn't have any injures.
I do believe I found him on Facebook and did send him a message. I have no idea if he will reply and if he does I have no idea what I will say.
The other person that I believe I found was the accident investigator. Again, I have no idea if he will reply or recall the incident.
My desire to reach her, to know her, all the details both good and bad have taken me to some odd and also fun places.
Looking back at my search since finding her there has not been a thing mentioned to me that I have regretted hearing.
I understand that some do not need or want to know details and I am cool with that. We all take things in different ways and for some it is better to just know the main points. I however need to know them all.
As I turn my ear buds off to hear my husband snooping, I know that there are no answers that can take me down. I'm too strong to be broken by anyone but myself. The answers that may come to me this year I am unsure of what they will be.
I have no doubt though that there is a list of us ready to hear them, and should I need to fall for just a moment, I know there will be lots of people to hold me up.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Window of truth
I find most years that I reflect a lot as the new year approaches.
I think some people do it on new years, some on their dates of birth, and some don't do it at all. Perhaps I do it too often.
This week I have found myself laying in bed, ready to sleep, but unable or rather unwilling to turn the thoughts off. I am after all capable of silencing them with the help of a cd, however for some reason the past week I have decided to listen the thoughts.
I believe we each have a reason for being here. It may not seem like a huge reason to the world, and yet we picked our life for some sort of purpose.
I wonder how many people say what they have to say as if it might be their only chance to say it. Or how many, often like myself, do we think that something doesn't need to said. That we might think that the thought is already known from the actions, like love.
I do believe that when we leave this silly thing called life, we no longer give a shit about our bank account or cherished possessions though I do grasp the concept of emotional attachment to such things. My jewelry for one is important to me, or a few of the times are anyway. Either the person who gave it to me matters or the reason why they gave it to me. I would like those items to be enjoyed by another person once I am gone. However if they ended up in landfill I dont imagine it would matter to me in that place that our souls go to refresh.
I can't help but to wonder, as Dottye crashed through the windshield did she have regrets. Did she yell out " wait, I ahve things left to say." Did she see her life flash before her and bow her head in shame? Did she accomplish all that she was here to accomplish?
The only thing I can imagine for sure is surely she must have, at least once she was aware that she was dead, she must have regretted having those mid day drinks.
Does she look at us now and wish she could have a moment back? Would she be up there trying to figure out how to covey to us her regret, her love?
In the past year I've done my best to be myself and to be kind to those around me. The only thing I hoped for was that they be kind, or at the very least receptive to it. As people seem to happen upon my path, or perhaps I am showing up on theirs, I think we can only hope that we have done something to make their lives better. Even if it is as simple as making them smile by holding the door.
I don't know if there is any way to know our true purpose in each life, as well as not having a way of knowing when it might end. We don't all get to live to an old age, we don't all get a fair warning of our expiration.
I can't pretend that I will be one of those people who can live each day as if it was my last. I surely would not go to sleep if I really thought this might be my last day! I also can't pretend to think that I'm going to live each day one day at a time. I may not be guranteed a tomorrow but I'm still going to plan on getting up to feed the dogs and drink my cup of coffee!
I think the one real thing I can ask myself is to continue with my blunt ways. If my honesty scares people away, that's ok. Being true to my own nature may help me to not have regrets when my time here is finished.
I hope this doesn't read as odd, I do hope to be around long enough to acquire some more jewelry after all!
Happy new year to all who read this! I hope 2012 will be a full year, a year of truth to the core, surrounded by love.
I think some people do it on new years, some on their dates of birth, and some don't do it at all. Perhaps I do it too often.
This week I have found myself laying in bed, ready to sleep, but unable or rather unwilling to turn the thoughts off. I am after all capable of silencing them with the help of a cd, however for some reason the past week I have decided to listen the thoughts.
I believe we each have a reason for being here. It may not seem like a huge reason to the world, and yet we picked our life for some sort of purpose.
I wonder how many people say what they have to say as if it might be their only chance to say it. Or how many, often like myself, do we think that something doesn't need to said. That we might think that the thought is already known from the actions, like love.
I do believe that when we leave this silly thing called life, we no longer give a shit about our bank account or cherished possessions though I do grasp the concept of emotional attachment to such things. My jewelry for one is important to me, or a few of the times are anyway. Either the person who gave it to me matters or the reason why they gave it to me. I would like those items to be enjoyed by another person once I am gone. However if they ended up in landfill I dont imagine it would matter to me in that place that our souls go to refresh.
I can't help but to wonder, as Dottye crashed through the windshield did she have regrets. Did she yell out " wait, I ahve things left to say." Did she see her life flash before her and bow her head in shame? Did she accomplish all that she was here to accomplish?
The only thing I can imagine for sure is surely she must have, at least once she was aware that she was dead, she must have regretted having those mid day drinks.
Does she look at us now and wish she could have a moment back? Would she be up there trying to figure out how to covey to us her regret, her love?
In the past year I've done my best to be myself and to be kind to those around me. The only thing I hoped for was that they be kind, or at the very least receptive to it. As people seem to happen upon my path, or perhaps I am showing up on theirs, I think we can only hope that we have done something to make their lives better. Even if it is as simple as making them smile by holding the door.
I don't know if there is any way to know our true purpose in each life, as well as not having a way of knowing when it might end. We don't all get to live to an old age, we don't all get a fair warning of our expiration.
I can't pretend that I will be one of those people who can live each day as if it was my last. I surely would not go to sleep if I really thought this might be my last day! I also can't pretend to think that I'm going to live each day one day at a time. I may not be guranteed a tomorrow but I'm still going to plan on getting up to feed the dogs and drink my cup of coffee!
I think the one real thing I can ask myself is to continue with my blunt ways. If my honesty scares people away, that's ok. Being true to my own nature may help me to not have regrets when my time here is finished.
I hope this doesn't read as odd, I do hope to be around long enough to acquire some more jewelry after all!
Happy new year to all who read this! I hope 2012 will be a full year, a year of truth to the core, surrounded by love.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Christmas Gift
I've been with my husband now 16 years and have spent Christmas with his family for each one.
They have one funny tradition that I took to right away.
First thing in the morning, or at least after midnight on Christmas Eve, you want to be the first person to say "Christmas Gift" to each person in your family.
The only rule is no cheating by doing it via email or text! It has to be vocal.
Shannon and I have hidden behind bushes to get his brother, we do all sorts of fun things to be the first one to say it.
This year as I opened my gifts from my sister, I could not help but to wonder what kind of traditions we might have had if we had been raised together, if Dottye had no placed me for adoption, if Dottye had not died.
Would we have baked cookies, a special kind?
Would we have cooked a ham, or grilled it?
Maybe we would have been able to open just one gift on Christmas Eve!
I can almost, just almost visualize my sister and I sharing a room and getting giddy waiting awake to see if we could catch Santa.
In later years maybe we would have taken turns sneaking through the house looking for where our gifts might be hidden.
It's not something that I will dwell on per-say.
It's just another thing to wonder. It's another thing that I can wonder because things might have been, could have been so different.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Damaged Goods
What do you do with damaged goods?
If you find that it is just the packaging that is damaged, do you open it up and check inside?
What if what is inside is damaged as well, but you can't tell until you have had it for a while?
Would you try to return it?
Would you keep it but just no longer show any interest in it?
Would you toss it out?
Does it matter how much you paid for it?
If you've had it for some time, do you decide to keep it for some sort of sentimental value?
Damaged Goods.
How do you really know what is damaged anyway?
There are the obvious signs I suppose.
What may seem damaged to one person might seem ok to another, especially if it was on sale, or they got a special damaged goods discount.
I "knew" I was damaged from the get go.
Added the thought that I was damaged because of my twisted ankle at birth.
That showed that I was damaged on the outside. A cast was used to try and repair that damage.
At what point would people see the damage on the inside.
Or did they already know?
Did they get me on discount?
I don't suppose any of it matters.
Somehow, when I looked down at my wedding ring tonight and saw that one of the little diamonds had fallen out, the above is what rang in my mind.
Why must it always run full circle to damaged goods, or in my life the equal of being adopted.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
DNA = Do Not Ask
All the DNA testing in the world might not get me the answers I dream of having some day if the right people don't take the test.
The right people are who?
Oh you know, someone related to my birth father like his brother, son or father!
I can dream..................
Some days I wake up and can feel that little black cloud trying to sneak over my head.
I tried to race it today.
I hurried up and did my normal morning routine with the pets.
I could feel that cloud getting larger and it was only 9 am. I decided to do my hair a bit differently, I liked it enough.
The cloud however remained.
Depression?
Weather?
Self Pity?
DNA?
What ever it was I did the usual of trying to hide it.
I took some time off of the computer.
I shopped and didn't find a thing to buy.
I napped.
I waited.
I smiled.
I smiled because sometimes faking it works.
Shannon got home at the end of his own very long day, in time to let me crawl up on his lap for a much needed snuggle, rock and hug.
See some days it doesn't matter what I do, the cloud remains.
Other days it only seems to matter what those around me to.
Today Shannon did the right thing.
He didn't ask questions.
He just held me and let me breath out a huge sigh of relief.
We have no idea how much time we will have here in this life.
And for someone like me, that alone can not lift the cloud.
A little love without question, judgment or suggestions with a little comfort from a hug.
Yup. Some days THAT is what it takes.
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