Window of truth

I find most years that I reflect a lot as the new year approaches.
I think some people do it on new years, some on their dates of birth, and some don't do it at all. Perhaps I do it too often.

This week I have found myself laying in bed, ready to sleep, but unable or rather unwilling to turn the thoughts off. I am after all capable of silencing them with the help of a cd, however for some reason the past week I have decided to listen the thoughts.

I believe we each have a reason for being here. It may not seem like a huge reason to the world, and yet we picked our life for some sort of purpose.

I wonder how many people say what they have to say as if it might be their only chance to say it. Or how many, often like myself, do we think that something doesn't need to said. That we might think that the thought is already known from the actions, like love.

I do believe that when we leave this silly thing called life, we no longer give a shit about our bank account or cherished possessions though I do grasp the concept of emotional attachment to such things. My jewelry for one is important to me, or a few of the times are anyway. Either the person who gave it to me matters or the reason why they gave it to me. I would like those items to be enjoyed by another person once I am gone. However if they ended up in landfill I dont imagine it would matter to me in that place that our souls go to refresh.

I can't help but to wonder, as Dottye crashed through the windshield did she have regrets. Did she yell out " wait, I ahve things left to say." Did she see her life flash before her and bow her head in shame? Did she accomplish all that she was here to accomplish?

The only thing I can imagine for sure is surely she must have, at least once she was aware that she was dead, she must have regretted having those mid day drinks.

Does she look at us now and wish she could have a moment back? Would she be up there trying to figure out how to covey to us her regret, her love?

In the past year I've done my best to be myself and to be kind to those around me. The only thing I hoped for was that they be kind, or at the very least receptive to it. As people seem to happen upon my path, or perhaps I am showing up on theirs, I think we can only hope that we have done something to make their lives better. Even if it is as simple as making them smile by holding the door.

I don't know if there is any way to know our true purpose in each life, as well as not having a way of knowing when it might end. We don't all get to live to an old age, we don't all get a fair warning of our expiration.

I can't pretend that I will be one of those people who can live each day as if it was my last. I surely would not go to sleep if I really thought this might be my last day! I also can't pretend to think that I'm going to live each day one day at a time. I may not be guranteed a tomorrow but I'm still going to plan on getting up to feed the dogs and drink my cup of coffee!

I think the one real thing I can ask myself is to continue with my blunt ways. If my honesty scares people away, that's ok. Being true to my own nature may help me to not have regrets when my time here is finished.

I hope this doesn't read as odd, I do hope to be around long enough to acquire some more jewelry after all!

Happy new year to all who read this! I hope 2012 will be a full year, a year of truth to the core, surrounded by love.