Looooooooong hair

You know growing up I always wanted to try a hair cut that didn't have bangs. My mom would never let me saying that my face was way too long to go without bangs.

I think she was right.

There's a story many of my friends know, but I'll go ahead and repeat it here.

I had a little friend named Lisa. When we hung out, we usually got into trouble. We were grammar school age. 

My mom took us to the indoor tennis courts with her one afternoon. We sat at the table and ate the free cookies, for a little while.

Soon we ended up in the locker room, then into a bathroom stall. What could be more fun then playing with Barbi in the toilet?? Yes, we were very goofy girls.

As we were playing in the stall I told Lisa "Barbi was made after my birth mom". Maybe I said real mom, I'm not sure. I stopped using "real" mom pretty soon after I saw the look on my mothers face, so I am not sure if this was before that look, or after.

This Barbi was like any other Barbi. Blond and thin, her hair went down past her butt. When I told Lisa this story, I do recall that I believed it to be true. I had imagined, at least when I was a child, that my first mother was as pretty as a Barbi, with long flowing hair that she could do up in so many ways.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth my mother called me out of the stall. We opened the stall door and there she stood, my mom.

She told me that I couldn't tell such stories, that it wasn't true.

I don't recall feeling like the story I had told had been a lie. I really believed it.

What I do recall is wondering, how did she know it wasn't true?

Below is one of my favorite photos of Dottye. We don't have a lot of photos. You know back then was the time of film so I am sure they didn't take as many as we snap today. And she died when she was 24 years old, a short life with far too few photos left behind.

I was sitting at my desk thinking of my upcoming trip to Las Vegas and I wondered what she looked like for the short period that she lived there. Was she happy when she got there? Did she gussy herself up or go casual? I imagine she gussied herself up, she liked to be noticed after all.

This photo is back in Ohio, not long before she died. It shows a side of her that many of the other photos don't show, it's one of the few where I think I can actually see a moment of true happiness, of just being silly.

At the mental ward .................

Karen has many memories of Dottye as well as the stories from her Aunt Ruby. I can't recall if I heard the story as well......it's in my memory as if it were told to me by Ruby.

Ruby and Dottye were teens. As Ruby would tell it, Dottye was the one who snuck out and caused so much trouble, but it was Ruby who always got into trouble even though she was as good as gold.

Dottye wouldn't get up for school, or was it church. They were teens living at home. Ruby figured out that Dottye had taken a bottle of pills in an attempt to end her life. Ruby made her get up, they walked around the room for hours until the pills finally wore off. Dottye refused to be with anyone except for Ruby, or so the story goes.

I can't help but to wonder, was this before or after she lost two children to adoption. Was it in between the two? 

Karen can remember waking one night to find Dottye slumped out of her chair down stairs. There were pills all over the place on the floor and Karen screamed and ran to the neighbors. Dottye was taken from home and treated. What was she treated for? How did they treat her? How long was she gone, that time?

Ruby told us "Dottye called me from Las Vegas crying hysterically with a gun in her mouth. She wanted to kill herself. I talked her out of it and then she came to stay with me." Yes, that was the time in Vegas where she got pregnant with me. Was the gun in her mouth before or after she got pregnant. It would seem that it was after.

I look at her photos and there are only a couple where I can see happiness. The others, there is something in her eyes. I hate to say it as I see it but to me it looks like a sadness as close to death as you can get while still being alive.

Where did this sadness start? Was she born with it? Was it given to her by genes or did it begin when she left her first home for the orphanage? What happened to send her to the orphanage? Why couldn't she find peace?

My video says she died as she was finally finding happiness. I don't actually believe that, it just seemed like a good way to end the video. I actually think, or my gut says she was as unhappy as ever. Not more, not less, just the same stagnant way of living. Trying to find something to fix her pain while avoiding where the pain came from.

I know where my pain comes from and I swear I am doing my best to fix it. The barriers I run into are maybe a part of my own stubbornness and strong will. I can't see moving on past the pain until I complete my search. I don't know how to move past needing the answers of where I came from.

There are days where I can relate to her without even knowing the answers. There are days where I carry her pain though I know she never asked me to. 

There are so many days where I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs, but I've done it before and it didn't help much.

You would think that with all of the road blocks I have had to move over 21 years I might throw in the towel. The truth is, I can't. I've lived more years searching then not, and I just don't know how to "let it go." Fact is, I really don't even know how to take a break for more then a day or so.

There's something or someone out there, I just have to figure out the way to get to them. I know I have a lot of tools I just am having a hard time figuring out which one to use.

It's not a great moment right now. 

I wonder, did her mood change as often, as fast, and without warning like mine does?

Nah, I don't need to wonder, I'm sure it did.