The laughter stopped

Depression VS Sadness

Are they different??
I spent much of last night pondering, thinking, and crying.
On the evening of the death of Robin Williams I was crushed that he was gone, saddened by those who had negative things to say, and finally, saddened that I was not surprised.

For those who don't like to read ramblings then stop at the following line which in my mind may sum up what I'm about to type:
Depression comes from within, Sadness comes from that around us.


This blog, as is with the rest of my blogs, are based on my experience. I'm not a doctor, hell I didn't even finish high school, but experience I do have many.

As an adoptee I have always had some sort of emptiness inside. Yes, Always. Not having a base to your tree makes it difficult to balance. Pasting on pretend roots doesn't hold a person stable during rough times. The emptiness came from feeling alien to my surroundings and doing what I could to fit in.

My family, for the most part, was happy. Laughter was heard often and while we had rules we also had fun. I believe that our family was as average as any other. We hold our secrets and we also hold onto old family vacations.

I was at a shrink often. I'm not sure why I never felt the ability to open up in such a setting. One man would ask at the beginning of each and every visit "What are you thinking?" A few visits in my reply would remain the same "Of how to answer that question" and we would spend the next 50 minutes watching the shadow creep on his wall as the sun set. It was fall when I made my visits to him. He was one of the few who asked how I felt about being adopted. My reply was that I didn't feel anything about it, and it was never asked again.

I saw another who fell asleep during my visits, while I was speaking to her. She would wake up and offer off the wall advice. To say I took it personally would have been an under statement at the time. I told my mom "She falls asleep while I talk to her!" My mom didn't believe me at first but after a few visits with my same complaint she spoke to the woman who indeed had some sort of iron deficiency. She began taking a supplement and thanked my mom for letting her know and offered some fee sessions. I refused to go back.

While in high school I had a friend. She sat behind me in "sober homeroom" which was a small group of us who had stopped drinking, doing drugs, needed support first thing in the morning. I enjoyed the group, especially when we got to ditch the first class or two to head out as a group for breakfast.
This girl was a pretty redhead. Orange really. She was graduating that year and had a nanny job lined up for the summer. I believe she was an A student thug I can't say for sure, but I do know she got into the school she wanted and would be headed off to start her new life in the Fall. She wore Keds and I used to playfully joke with her that her Keds didn't hold up like Converse would, she always had a hole in the toe of her shoe.
She killed herself. She "had it all" and she killed herself.
A victim to depression placed on meds that helped her to jump from the cliff of life to the eternity of death.
Dead.

For all of my teen years I knew that suicide would always be an option, I always had a reason not to. I needed to survive, I needed to get out on my own, I needed to find my birth mother.
I did not want to die before meeting my birth mother at least just once.

I made it through my teen years and moved at the age of 18. The road to my own survival was not a smooth one and allowed for many hints to happen that could cause others to hold their head in shame. I have no shame over what I had to do to survive the moments.

Married at a courthouse I moved with my now ex husband to Texas. My depression was at bay for a while. Without (at this time anyway) going into details, the desire to find my birth mother no longer healed any weight over my desire to leave this life.
I attempted to take my life twice. The first failed attempt left me feeling like a complete scum of the earth as the medical team shoving coal down my gut looked at me like I was almost too worthless to help. They didn't look sad at me, they looked annoyed.
My second failed attempt brought about some life changes, including but not limited to leaving my first husband.

My path of independence continued and I met my forever husband. It was the year we were planning our wedding as well as looking for a home. Upon seeing several homes I began to cry and not understand how I could hurt so much when everything was going so well. I wanted to die and I could not locate a reason for wanting this. I was placed on Zoloft and it evened me back out. I could breath again.

In order to cut on length (I know, too late) I want to skip forward to now. I was put on meds nearly 20 years ago. I have used those meds three times, each for a period of a year. The last time was 3 years ago. They made me numb and I finally had to stop taking them.

What is depression for me?
Well, let me tell you about sadness first.
I can look at the news, the news including the passing of Robin Williams and I can cry. I can say how I hurt for him and his family. I hurt for struggle he must have gone through.
I watch the conflict of different countries and I hurt for the people in the conflicted areas. I hurt for the other people not in the areas who are making their own political calls on judgement.
I see the stories online of animals being abused and I hurt, I hurt for them and I hurt because it feels like I can not do anything for each pet.

Hurt, also called sadness is not the same as depression.
I wake up depressed on days that have no hurt in them.
The world around me and within my own home can be close to perfect and yet it pains me to get out of bed.
Depression hurts physically. For me it can be similar to that "butterfly" feeling but multiplied by hundreds and so making it painful.
Depression episodes come on with no warning and I can never tell how deep the dark pit will get, or how long it might last for. It lifts in the same way, without warning.

But why don't depressed people reach out for help?
For me it's a simple answer : Because I'm depressed.
I don't want to wake up, I don't want to face the darkness of my own mind, I don't want to speak of the emptiness that feels like it has been filled by cement inside.
Words during depression elude me in that a simple call for help doesn't make sense in my darkened mind.
Dark.
Depression is dark and asking me to see the light while in the midst of it is simply silly.
I hate depression.

My post is really pretty simple and while I could delete the above I won't because for some reason I was supposed to type what was typed.
In keeping it simple:
Depression, Self Pity, Sadness and Self Loathing are not the same. Each is very different.
Please, just don't judge.

Who did I meet????

Shall we list the people?

It actually began on the flight to Las Vegas!

We met a man named Kelly who is one of the owners of a local bar in town called Money Plays. I was eavesdropping as he told some ladies where to go, what to do as this was their first visit to Las Vegas.

When he was finished talking to them, I decided it was time to "work". I handed him one of my business cards and explained about one of my reasons for our trip to Las Vegas.

He took an interest and in return gave us a card to his bar with a free drink and meal on it. We did end up at his bar, twice. Though we didn't use the "free" pass. When people are good, you have to be good back. 

We went to Money Plays on Friday night. A friend of mine whom I had known online for several years drove down from Arizona to meet! We went to the bar and had a great time laughing and chatting on the corner bar stools. While we chucked it up my husband Shannon spoke to several other patrons. 

Kelly walked in and he looked so surprised to see us. As it turns out the real surprise was that he walked in. Usually he come a couple of weekday mornings. Shannon and I smiled and said this is how it works with us. The galaxy seems to change, to place people in our path without warning to those people.

We met a few other people that night as well. One was a man named Joe. Joe is a Sin City Kid. He was born and raised in Las Vegas and said "I know you've heard the phrase but it is different for us. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you're from Vegas then everyone knows!" We're going with that Joe! I so hope that everyone knows and we can find my answers soon! Who knows, we may be related!

I met a man who used to set up lights for Waylon Jennings. He told us about a few of the shows and I laughed and told him of Dottye's relations with Waylon.

Again, I never seem to be too surprised at how small the world can get from time to time!

As we were leaving we also met a man named Tyge. He took an interest in why we were there and was as kind as can be. I later read on his blog how he had been in a car accident just a short time before we met, and he was still kind enough to chat with strangers. Check out his site. He calls it a blog but to my eyes it's really more of a magazine full of information and his writing is so clean. Want to know about local Las Vegas AND the going ons? Click here! He took the time today to email me and let me know that he included a bit on why I was there in his blogging. If you want to read that scroll down at the following link. Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page for his blog on my visit.

So that is how our visit began, with the meeting of a local named Kelly who decided to chat rather then nap on the plane! Kelly told us he is going to take a photo of our business card and scan it in to their juke box. I left cards in the bathroom on our second night out and received and email from another of the patrons. We had the chance to meet up with our friends while we were there and took them to Money Talks on our last night. The bar was having a customer appreciation night with live music and food. It was a great send off!

This was not our whole trip of coarse, but I had to touch on it for one main reason. My search has taught me to have a more open heart. I'm no longer afraid of telling my story to strangers. Cat's out of the bag sort of thing really. It's out, let it play, let it amuse others. I think we get used to people being rude or harsh, rash and irritable. Our visit to Las Vegas reminded both Shannon and myself that when people go back to their true nature they are giving, kind and at times so very funny! We have to allow ourselves to go back to that soft spot inside our hearts in order to help others to unleash their kindness. Let them see that it's worth it by being kind right back. And if someone isn't kind, well give them a smile and move on. There's no reason to be rude, just smile and walk away from the negativity until gravity pulls you towards another happy soul.

Ok. Many of you know that one of my challenges was to get on the local news. And yes, it was a challenge. I had a few stations interested in meeting and by the time we got there it seemed that we lost all interest. It seemed anyway. After a couple of rounds of phone tag and lack of a crew to come meet with us, I finally got the hit. The Fox 5 Vegas crew came out to speak to me on the morning of Friday the 24th. I had hoped that my sister Karen would do the interview with me as I had presented the trip as two woman searching for answers, but she had just arrived at the strip which is about 20 minutes away from Fremont and might not have made it back in time. She declined to come for the interview and so I threw on my Remember Dottye shirt and headed down to the street to wait for the crew with Shannon. I was excited and nervous, as was Shannon. He knew it would go fine but he also knew this was it. This was my number one goal for my search during this trip and it was actually panning out. We had both begun to think that this task would not be accomplished, and so our adrenaline was on overload as we waited for our moment.

The reporter told me to keep my answers as short as possible since they would have to edit the footage to about a minute long. She asked her questions and I answered. I tried not to notice the HUGE camera in my face! Tried! The reporter learned quickly that my brain and my mouth work at one time with out a delay and that many of my thoughts do not have a filter. At one point Mary asked me if I knew anything about the relationship between Dottye and my birth father. I did actually sit a moment and think before blurting out "Well I know that they *explicit* , that's all I really know for sure though!" The look on her face was priceless as I apologized and looked down at my feet. I also forgot at one point that I had had microphone hooked up to my shirt. As we walked out of the Golden Gate I saw the camera man giggle. I looked down at my shirt and let out an aw crap and smiled back. Why? I had just announced to Shannon that I really needed to let out a belch. Note to self, do not down a Dr Pepper right before going on air!

That was Friday morning, the interview. It was that evening that we were hooking up with Tonja and it was just an exciting day full of hope and eagerness. I was sorry that my sister couldn't make the interview but only for a moment. There was not any time to dwell in any sort of negativity. I was so happy to be surrounded by light hearted people for most of my visit.

After our evening out with Tonja she rushed us back to the Golden Nugget. It had not occurred to any of us that my story would air at the beginning of the news! We got to our room at 10:04 and it had already aired! Ack say it ain't so!! The good news? It aired several times that night. Not only was that good in that I got to watch it before heading out to play some more, but it would be seen by more people. Some people like to watch news at different times, my hits should be good. The other good news was the length of the piece. It ran over 2 minutes rather then the one minute we had been waiting for. 

I had over 2 minutes of fame. I reached a new goal. I hope that goal reaches people who knew Dottye or my birth father.

Want to know more? My fingers are tired .....I'll be back!

Missed me on the news? Click here to see the news footage!

It's time to start my blog............

I asked people "What more can I do in my search?" The reply was Blog.
Here we go.
What are my hopes?
They haven't changed since the time I was young. I want to find my birth family.
I have succeeded after nearly 21 years or actively searching in finding some of my truth.
It was almost 7 years ago that a search angel called me and told me my birth mothers name. 
Dottye Robertson Moore.
We laughed at the way she spelled her name. When I got off of the phone I went to the internet and logged into the adoption search group that I belonged too. I put her name in the search box and it came back with 0 results.
I was 32 years old and couldn't help but to wonder why Dottye wasn't looking for me.
I sat outside and wrote her a note. I didn't know if she would want to talk to me or not. I wrote the note in hopes of at least one phone call. If she would not speak to me, then the note would be mailed to her. 
I filled Dottye in on the basics of my life, I did not give her too much detail. When I finished the note, I looked at it and then threw it in the trash. Something didn't feel right.
I went to bed knowing that I would have contact information for her very soon.
I hoped that she would hear me out.................

http://www.RememberDottye.com