Regrets?????

Over the years I've been able to look back and with full honesty say "I have no regrets."
Lets be clear, I know I have done tons of things that other people may regret. Or they may be things that they rather I keep silent about. Some of those past experiences I don't speak of often or loudly, but I don't regret them. I'm a little ashamed perhaps, but I don't regret them.
How could that be?
I know that each experience brought me up to the current day. From simple choices to difficult ones, each got me to the spot I am in. Some roads were still under construction, others were walled by foot in order to be able to truly enjoy the road.

This past year however I have figured out I actually do have a regret. I don't know if it is new or if I've just fully begun to understand it. And as I run it in my mind it's still sounding like it might be confusing to others but lets get to it.

Growing up I always knew I would have children. I was not sure how many but often felt like I would have one. I wanted to be a housewife, one who would devote herself to her family. After school activities, clubs, projects......I was ready for the whole fun part.

At 17 years old I had my first miscarriage. I had not known I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage and lucky for me my doctor told my mother I was just having some female issues and needed a D&C. He knew without me saying a word, that this would be the best way to approach the situation of me being pregnant before legal age. Thank goodness for him. I did tell one adult friend who later said something to my mother and I was able to convince my mother that my friend must have misunderstood.

With my first marriage I actually tried to get pregnant and never thought I did. As an Army wife I was able to see a specialist who in turn had me under the knife and said I had a 10% chance of ever getting pregnant and as time went on that chance would become less.

Per usual I can look back and say thank goodness I did not have a child then. The circumstances were  less then ideal (that's being nice!) and I'm not sure what would have happened had I had a child. So, after surgery, tests, meds, I finally threw in the towel.

I went on with life and met my forever husband. It was our first date and we lay it all out on the table. I gave him my past in all the detail as well as my hopes for the future. That included telling him about my lack of fertility and we laughed as we both had said we didn't want children.

We got married in Ohio, had a honeymoon in Vegas, then headed back to our home in Texas. I had been late for my period and figured it was stress of the wedding. Being late for me was not unusual, sometimes I would go three months without a cycle, or so I thought.
Before the wedding I had gone to the doctor and seen the PA. I was having fatigue and dizzy spells. She asked "Could you be pregnant" to which I replied with an instant no! She never gave me a test but did give me a pill that I decided not to take due to the side effects. In hindsight, I think when I said no so fast she thought I wasn't "active" with my soon to be hubby. I said no because I had been told I could get pregnant.....

two weeks after we got home my period started, and wouldn't stop. We went to my gynecologist and he ran a urine test to check my hormones. A pregnancy test. It didn't make any sense to me, and I was nearly to the floor when he came out and said "You were pregnant, you are miscarrying." They got my husband who was in the waiting room and we checked out with some meds to help move things along. The following month I went on the BC pill.

Years prior I had always said "I would rather regret not having a child then regret having one."
Over the next few years I would break my silence and make hubby sit down for the talk "Why don't you want a child? Are you sure? Can we talk about it?" It always came down to the same basic talk of how we enjoy devoting our time to each other, how we were both very selfish in our need of attention and affection, finances.........I think most people understand the talks we usually had.
And each time I had to suck it in, suck it up and agree and say "You know you're right. We're right. I would rather regret not having one then regret having one."

(There are far too many people in this world who regret having their child and while they may not admit it vocally their actions scream it...)

My chance of having a child was taken away for the final time five years ago. I remember feeling the shock of that some time after surgery. It was like wow, the rest of my days on this earth I will never again be able to have that conversation "Should we have a child?"

And now I know. I know what regret feels like. True deep to the core regret.
Regret of not having a child?
No
Regret of feeling like the choice was not mine to fully make. It takes two to make the child, and I feel like because of that the choice was never mine.
In so many other aspects of life we get to make a choice all on our own and I feel a bit ripped off.

It's a tad hard to get rid of the thoughts as well as a bit of resentment peeping up.
When my now husband and I were dating he shared with me that he may or may not have a daughter. The story is his to tell, not mine, but I fully supported him in the choices he made about that relationship as the years went on. He had no contact with her until she turned 19. When she reached out they did a DNA test and found out indeed he is her father. The past 3 years of watching and listening to him build a relationship with her leaves me on the side wondering why this path was taken.

And so, I finally know regret.