Blood drips down

You don't know my birth date

I'm used to that in the sense that I have always known

known that my date of birth

has not been important enough for you to remember.

You continue to hurt me,

or maybe it's just as proper to say

I continue to allow you to hurt me.

I bite my tongue so hard that the warm blood

the blood drips down my neck.

I wipe it away with my shaking hands

only to be sure that you don't see my open wounds.

I will continue to be me.

I will continue to be kind

even to you

who maybe see's that word as a sign of weakness

Or maybe we are just kind to different people you and I

or in different ways.

I will swallow my blood and hold onto the taste

for in a few days

when you have gone back to your own shelter

well it will be then that I
once again
taste the salt of my tears.

to follow a scent........

And as I look back I can see how I fell into the arms of dreams and wishes that were to never come true.

The pain of not knowing

of searching for the scent that would never be right.

To seek that embrace that warms the soul and lets you know that there is at least one person in this world who truly understands, who knows, who shares the pain with you.

For that someone who shares your soul.

Reaching out blindly for a fleeting glimpse of that love

of that knowing touch.

Reaching for anyone who can offer a chance at that one feeling

A true embrace so filled with love that you feel like you might suffocate.

Instead only to continue to float through the days wishing to grasp the clouds that are too far out of reach.

For just one chance to feel the embrace and lose myself in your scent,

rather then wander my days and nights alone pretending to understand that love.

The Warm Way

I try to get gifts for others that mean something special. You know, say at a Birthday I can get some silly little things, and then one big thing.

For holidays my husband and I have always done something called the Salvation Army Angel Tree. It's for selfish reasons really. We don't have children and I wanted to much to make a child feel like they were the most important person in the world on Christmas, so we would pick an angel and buy everything on their list! I like to think they got that feeling, of being special.

We then started making purchases for the elderly. We had a program here by meals on wheels where you would buy a small list of items and it would be delivered with that seniors meal. I felt like they had done their time, they too deserve to feel as special as can be at least one day a year.

I made that first call to my sister 3 months before her Birthday. This was the first time I would be able to send her a gift and I knew right away what it would be. We had been to visit her a few weeks before her birthday and she showed me a huge baggie filled with film that needed to be developed.

I knew then, I would send her a digital camera. Well, it went over as a selfish gift. I think there were thoughts that I sent it in order for her to be able to send me photos on email. Truth is, I had the photos that I wanted, the photos of Dottye. I just had hoped to save her time and money by giving her the digital camera. I think she enjoyed it anyway.

In looking for unique gifts a couple of years ago I came across The Warm Place and I knew right away that this would be my special gift to my sister. I actually cried as I wrote the donation check to them that year. Cried for my sister, cried for our mother, and cried for the answers we would never get.

"Will you be missing a loved one this holiday season?

Her mother died suddenly and too soon. One out of 20 children will experience the death of a parent before they graduate from high school. When you make your holiday gift list this year, please consider a donation to The Warm Place in honor of those special people in your life. Your family and friends will receive a beautiful holiday, foil stamped card to acknowledge your gift in their honor. The best part is that your gift will continue to support a child every time he or she is helped to overcome the heartbreak of having a loved one die."

When I found this local home, a place for children and loved ones to gather to speak and spend time together, I knew this was the group that I needed to send my donation to. I could imagine my sister, on the swing set as a less then sensitive family member told her that her mother was gone now and there was no good reason to cry because it wouldn't change anything. How I wish my sister had someplace like the warming place to go to.

This year, Shannon will be a Santa's helper and call children as Santa and go over their list with them. He's got the laugh, he's got the heart. When I asked him if he would do it he said yes without missing a beat.

I think it is important to be kind, just because we can be.

It's good to give, even if it's tight, give.

I don't mind showing kindness to those who don't have it in them to show it back. 

Sometimes it's just good to remember that we all deserve to be loved and to be happy.

To always remember that an ungrateful or unhappy person has simply lost their way.

Maybe I can be lucky enough to help them find it.

The Warm Place link if you click here 

Can't stop the signs

Since my latest trip to Las Vegas and the article that ran in the Columbus paper after that, I have had some real struggles. see the news footage and article by clicking here.

After posting on facebook and speaking in great length to my husband Shannon, we decided that I was finished.After 21 years of legal age searching, it was time to call it finished. I had not found my birth father, nor had I found Dottye's birth family. I had hoped it might still happen with my DNA samples in registries or someone coming across old information that I had posted.For the time being though, I was done in my active search.

I've never been good at balance. I jump in with two feet and have a hard time seeing beyond what my current task at hand is.Throwing in the towel on my search in the past had not been an easy decision and was usually only done in order to be able to focus on some other life project. This time I found it to be a relief, I was ready to move on to living life.

What would I do? Fun things like get back into taking photos, spending time reading, and driving my mustang down the drag strip. Call it a bucket list, or just call it living life. I was ready to move on.

How do I ignore the signs?

So often during my search I would get a clue, a tid bit, a lead, or something to make me hope once again that my search was not in vain. Many times when I allowed myself to open my heart once again to hope, I found a new pain, a new let down, a new reason to frown.

As I reflected once again on my search I also often felt that this search may not be about my ultimate goal of finding my birth father and Dottye's birth family. It may have more to do with the people that I meet along the way. It may not have anything to do with myself at all but rather maybe it is a search where others get to peek in at my journey and learn something for their own lives?

When I first decided to throw in the towel I was contacted by a P.I out in California. She said she wanted to help and I asked her if she knew my story. She replied that she did not and so I asked her to go to my website and take a look. If she still felt like she could help, then contact me again. She did go to my website and she contacted me again. She asked me to send her my list of names of Keno Writers from 1970 and told me that she  would work on those. 

Once again I opened myself up to hope and sent her the list. I never heard from her again though I tried contacting her several times from two different email accounts. I also sent an email to the company she works for, and received no reply. The best I can guess is either the company she works for, as well as herself, are less then legit or don't have the best morals in what they are doing. That, or, possibly, she was checking me out for someone who wanted to know more about me. I've had to close the door on that hope. Yet once again I was let down in a huge way and decided, it's time to live life.

What have I been doing? I've read a lot of books, played around with my camera. I stopped smoking yet once again and instead of a cigarette each morning I take my car out for a drive. My husband and I are working on upgrading the look of a few rooms in our home, and have made plans to do some exciting things in the future. I will post about those after they happen.

What have I not been doing? I have not been actively searching. I check my DNA sites each morning to see if I have any new relative matches. Other then that, I've just been living life.

As we were "just living life" last night we came home from checking on a friends cats. I walked into the office to see there was a message on our machine. Yes, we are one of the few that still has a home phone. I pressed the play button and listened.The message was long and Shannon asked me who it was to which I replied with a just a second gesture.

Who was it? 

After my latest visit to Las Vegas I decided to try something different. I pulled out my La Voce Italian American magazine that I had picked up in Las Vegas and I emailed every person in there that had a restaurant or store ad. I received one reply from that mission. The man was ultra kind and told me of a man who is a bass player there in Vegas. He sent me his phone number and told me to give him a call, and so I did.

We spoke for a long time as he was rather interested in my search. He was only in high school during the early 70's so would not have known Dottye. He took my name and number and said he'd do what he could. He was ultra nice and I chalked it up as meeting yet another kind person along the road of my journey.

Last nights message was from that man. He told me that he had made a bunch of phone calls and came to the conclusion that while there is information out there, that it is likely that only a PI would be able to obtain it.Information like sheriff's cards that are not public information but maybe a PI would have the proper contacts to get a look at them. He said "It would seem to me that what you need is time and money. I of coarse don't want any money, and you've already put in the time, so I can only think that maybe if you have the  money and want to it might be time for you to find a PI."

When the message was over I was tool tired to call back, and it was close to bed time. I looked over at Shannon and all he could do was laugh and offer me a hug.

How is it that any time I am ready to take a break, or in this case, ready to really throw in the towel, someone interrupts that thought and tries to keep me on track?

I can only be grateful that I have Shannon by my side as people call, emails come in, or we receive some sort of "Sign" so that I don't feel like I have lost my mind all on my own. It's nice to know we are loosing our minds together!

There were other signs this week as well, in the form of hummingbirds and dragonflies. I'm not sure why this is my road to take, but I will continue on and do my best to even out my search journey with real life events which are bound to include some happiness.

I know that I do have a choice in this, at the same time I feel like throwing in the towel or giving others the power to decide the ending is the wrong choice. So, back to it.

They say it's your Birthday

How often did I wonder "Is today really the day that I was born?"

As I got older and when the Internet was available, I found so many other adoptees who asked the same question.

Depending on what year and state that you were born in, the date you had been "celebrating" may not have been the date that you were born on. Some amended birth certificates were allowed to change that information as well as all of the other false information.

I was one of the lucky ones in being able to find out that indeed, June 2nd was really the day that I was born on. Celebrate, well we're still working on that. Some years are better then others.

When I woke this morning I felt odd. Our a/c is broken and the house is hot, we got very little sleep so I chalked it up to all of that. I was not able to take my 65 Mustang for my normal morning drive as I had to wait for the repair man. I thought that might have something to do with my mood as well.

As I sat outside waiting for the morning sun to begin heating up the city, I had a visit from a friend.

I don't have a name for her though we have met several times over the last couple of summers.

I quit smoking a month ago and so I don't see her as often as I used to. She would usually come visit while I sat outside of my front door smoking. One day she came about three feet in front of me and just hoovered there, as if she was checking me out and trying to tell me something at the same time.

This morning was the first time that I met with her int he backyard. She come around the side of the house and over the fence. Again, she hoovered about three feet in front of me for about a 5 second visit. As she flew away I looked up to the sky and said "Thank you. I'm not sure who you are but thank you."

She's a beautiful, tiny and spunky hummingbird. In the past I have thought of my husbands Great Aunt Margie when I see her, because Margie had a large collection of bird figurines.

This morning as I said my thank you, I wondered.

If it is possible for our loved ones living on the other side to send us signs, how do we know which sign is from which person? 

In my case, I didn't get to know Dottye, my first mother.If she sends me signs, I might be seeing them but at the same time may not be aware that they are from her.

As I sat here talking to the dogs, waiting for our a/c to be fixed and working on the computer, an email came through from my sister.

She was almost 6 when Dottye died.

She reminded me that today is the day that Dottye celebrated her Birthday. We have a document that shows her actual date of birth was on another day, and I had to wonder:

Did she know that today was not the actual date of her birth?

Did she decide on a new birth date when she decided on her new name?

Did she send the hummingbird?

All I can do is wonder, hope, and ask for more signs to help lead me to the answers.

Either way, I found some peace in the visit from my little friend. I wonder if I should name her.

Happy Birthday Dottye.

Click here to see my tribute video and photos.

A baby donkey, my bucket list and 3 dad's

You know growing up I would make lists of things I wanted or hoped to do someday. We now know those lists to be called bucket lists. I'm cool with that, but how do you fit it all in a bucket??

I want a donkey. Have you ever seen a  baby donkey? They are beyond cute, though aren't all babies? When my parents took us to Grenada I believe on our first visit, I was around 4 or 5 years old. On the beach was a local man who offered donkey rides. I was in my bathing suit and remember thinking the donkey was making me itch, and wishing I could take him home to cuddle. I never took another donkey ride after that. When we drive by fairs that have horse or donkey rides I have to look away. They're tied up and walking in circles, I don't think they are enjoying the children on their backs at all. I'd love to have enough land to have a donkey where he can just be free to roam. I told my husband though we would need to get him a goat to keep him company, and maybe a cow. I adore cows. Have you ever pet a cow???

I have 3 dad's. One raised me, I know him rather well. 

My second dad is called with affection "Donkey Dan."

I met him through classmates.com when I was trying to find people who knew Dottye.While he didn't know her, he was one of the people instrumental in finding out who the birth father was to Dottye's first born child. He also helped us to clarify the year of her birth. We remained friends online. He's a story teller in a very special way, he writes from the soul with a lot of humor and wit. I call him dad. I hope to meet him in the physical some day. Why do I call him dad? There's a connection there and I know he cares. And he said I could. :0) He told me that donkeys can be mean. And like I would with the dad who raised me, I'll smile at that comment and get one someday anyway.

My bucket list is not long. I did something last week that I didn't even know was on my list. I have the simple things on my list like find the rest of my birth family which includes my birth father and Dottye's birth family. I'd like to have that donkey. Someday I want to sleep on a secluded beach, and for sure before I kick the bucket I'd like one more ride on a motorcycle. Getting my book published before I die would be great, I'm ok if it happens after I die as well. 

What did I do last week. I took my 64 Mustang, named Molly after a horse I used to ride in camp, and did a drag race at the Texas Motor Speedway with her. My husband said I should. We had gone the week before to watch the races. Everyday people having fun on a safe track. Could I do it? Did I dare to do it?? My stomach was turning as I got in Molly and put my helmet on from a practice race. It was still 100 degrees and you can't run your ac on the track. Add the helmet, let's just say it wasn't pretty! I gave the thumbs up and punched the gas to the floor. I did two practice rounds. I lost the first one but had a good feel for how this works. The second one I won. I was smiling ear to ear as I pulled my helmet off and waited for Shannon to come to the car. As the driver I had just beat drove past me his grin turned to a large frown when he saw I was a chick. Classic, made me smile even more.

I lost my actual race. I bet him from the start then lulled too much to win. I almost looked parked as he drove on past me. My calves were sore for three days later. The rush was amazing and I look forward to winning a race. Guess that's on my bucket list, to win.

What's on your bucket list? Will you share it with me here on my blog so I can go back and reference it when I run out of my own ideas?

Is it wrong to hope on the anniversary of her death?

It's been 38 years since Dottye died.

I've only known for 7 and like so often with death, it feels like I have known forever and at the same time like I just found out.

One of the things that was hard to gasp was the fact that when I found out that she had died, I had already out lived her.

It took a long time to not envision her at her time of death, to not imagine the grotesque things that happened to her body in that crash.

I was not at peace with her death for a long time, and I can only thank Allison Dubois for helping me to find peace.

I thought, my sister and I as well as other family members wondered, did she commit suicide?

In my heart I wondered as my brain tried to convince myself that she would never have put strangers in harm as she tried to end her own life.

We knew she had a tortured soul, and I wondered often.

It only took one phone call with Allison to know in my heart as well as my mind that this was an accident. 

She may have had times where she wanted to die, but she ended up dying alone on the side of the road and that wasn't something that she planned.

Is it wrong to be so full of hope on this the day of her death?

An article ran in the Columbus Dispatch written by Joe Blundo.

The phone conversation with Mr. Blundo was relaxed and easy. Though as I hung up the phone I noticed how much I was sweating so I must have been nervous without mentally noticing it.

That article is in the paper today, the Sunday paper.

This the 38th anniversary of her reported death.

I have had a lot of hits to my website already, many from the Columbus area.

I am hopeful that someone will contact me who remembers her.

Maybe it seems wrong, but even without that hope I am grateful that in my own small way I was able to make a tribute in the form of a reported news article to my first mother.

The mother I will always feel a connection to; the mother I who I believe never got to hold me.

The mother whom I sometimes say "I never got to meet" but in reality, in my reality, is with me each day.

As my connections to some people fade, I find that my search for truth is building a connection within myself that I never had before.

Maybe that will be my answers when all is said and done?

Maybe my search is for myself, for a part of me I am still to find.

I'm not sure if she is resting in peace, I do think she is.

Maybe my digging would have upset her in life.

I believe though that as she watches me work at it, she is smiling down knowing that she is the center of my attention.

She liked to be noticed.

Click here to see the story by Joe Blundo on my search for people who Remember Dottye in the Columbus Dispatch.